Written by Kevin Baxter
Published: June 28, 2004 at 12:08 AM
KEVIN: So what did you do?
MOM: Oh! We went on that roller coaster thing!
KEVIN: You did not go on California Screamin' with your neck problems!
MOM: Yeah, we went on the one with all the scenery.
MOM: Yeah. You know. Stuff to look at. On the ride.
KEVIN: What are you talking about? Stop cleaning the fridge and concentrate for 13 seconds. Was it really jerky?
MOM: Yeah! It almost reactivated my whiplash injury.
KEVIN: Gawd, you should have said that first. That was Mulholland Madness! You should have talked to me first and I would have warned you about that. I do know a few things about this, you know.
MOM: I didn't think about that. Oh, you should have seen what your nephew did the other day. He just tells the saddest stories. (laughs)
KEVIN: Yeah, his stories are so fascinating. He is obviously the greatest storyteller of his generation. Of three-month-olds! So you didn't go on the big coaster, did you?
MOM: The one with the Mouseketeer?
KEVIN: WHAT?! Yeah, the one with Annette Funicello on it.
MOM: No, the Mouse ears. It drives through the Mickey ears.
KEVIN: Where's the ibuprofen? (downs four of them) Oh! You mean the loop of California Screamin' in front of the Mickey silhouette!
MOM: Yeah, that one! No we didn't go on that one. Oh, we saw Aladdin. That was really good. Did you like it?
KEVIN: It was okay.
MOM: You didn't like it? The Genie was so funny!
KEVIN: I fell asleep in it.
MOM: Gawd, are you turning into your father?
KEVIN: Shut up. I was exhausted. I saw most of it. What else did you do in that area? The Tower of Terror?
MOM: Hell no! The one with the drops? You know I don't like that.
KEVIN: I told you the drops are short. It isn't scary. Little kids go on it. It is still a Disney ride, you know.
MOM: We didn't even want to do the big ferris wheel.
KEVIN: The Sun Wheel? Why not? It's easy.
MOM: Oh, Connie hurt her leg getting off that Mulholland thing and they got her a wheelchair and she didn't want to get out of it and I didn't want to go on it anyways and did I tell you about Connie coming up on Tuesday...
(20-minute tangent about quasi-Aunt Connie and her plans for her visit deleted)
KEVIN: So what else did you do in the Pier area?
MOM: That's where Aladdin was, right?
KEVIN: No that's the Hollywood section. Where Who Wants to Be a Millionaire is. You did that, right?
MOM: Oh, yeah. I loved that. Since Connie was in a wheelchair they let her sit at one of the ten around the hot seat and we sat behind her. They only had like two people in the hot seat, but no one went all the way.
KEVIN: Yeah, they have a lot of locals who go there all the time. What about the Animation Studio?
MOM: Oh, that was neat too.
KEVIN: (laughs) Wow, you figured out what I was talking about without a two-minute explanation!
MOM: Shut up. There isn't a lot of stuff to do there, so I can figure some of it out.
KEVIN: What about MuppetVision?
MOM: We saw a 3-D one.
MOM: Which one was that?
KEVIN: It had the Muppets in it.
MOM: But what did it do?
KEVIN: It was 3-D and it had the Muppets in it! There is only one attraction with the Muppets in it! Exactly how dirty is that damn refrigerator?
MOM: I hate this fridge! I wish we had never...
(30-minute tangent about the hated fridge and semi-related coffee cake story deleted)
KEVIN: So about MuppetVision...
MOM: Which one was that?
KEVIN: MUPPET. Vision. Take a wild guess.
MOM: I swear I have seen it before. Don't they have that in Disneyland?
KEVIN: Why would they have it in both parks? They have Honey, I Shrunk the Audience at Disneyland.
MOM: Well, that was the one with the little thing that hangs over your head, right?
KEVIN: Hangs over your head? Spiders? Are you talking about It's Tough to Be a Bug?
MOM: NO! We saw that on the map but we couldn't find it.
KEVIN: You went to the Bug's Land with the kiddie rides, right?
MOM: Yes, that was cute. We looked all over for the Bug movie but we couldn't find it.
KEVIN: Well, you had to pass it on the way in AND the way out of the Bug's Land stuff. It's that bigass building right next to it.
MOM: Really? We looked all over for it.
KEVIN: You four realize you are all in your fifties and not nineties, right?
MOM: (laughs) Oh, I tell all my golfing friends that I have Adult ADD. (laughs again)
KEVIN: What do they say?
MOM: They ask if I am taking the drugs for it.
KEVIN: Do you wonder why nobody ever laughs when you tell them that?
MOM: I don't really have it! I think part of it is my hearing.
KEVIN: Yeah, it's your hearing. Do you remember this from our childhood?
(30-minute tangent of me reminding her just how horrendous her memory has always been deleted)
MOM: I just don't pay attention all the time!
KEVIN: You mean like washing out the fridge for two hours while I am trying to have a conversation with you?
KEVIN: So back to MuppetVision... What thing over your head?
MOM: A little creature. I know I have seen that before.
KEVIN: Well, in MuppetVision there is a cartoon thing that Dr Bunson Honeydew creates and in Honey they have a miniature spaceship-thing that Rick Moranis flies over your head. So maybe that is what you are remembering.
KEVIN: You've got maybe three years before I put you in a home. You know that, right?
MOM: Your dad is just as bad!
KEVIN: (yelling) Dad! Name three rides at Disneyland.
DAD: Splash Mountain, Pirates of the Caribbean, Haunted Mansion, Jungle Cruise, Matter--
MOM: Those are easy!
KEVIN: Earlier you called it the Haunted House, so shut up. It's a testament to his memory that he didn't call it Flash Mountain, if you catch my drift. (laughs)
MOM: (laughs) He still swears your brother put that on our computer.
KEVIN: Yeah, like he doesn't have his own computer. Did you do the tortilla tour?
MOM: Yes. It was pretty neat. I always wanted to know how they did that.
KEVIN: Gawd, they were making the damn things at Chevy's last time we went there!
KEVIN: At the tortilla machine that was right by our friggin' table! You know, I may be a little optimistic on my timetable for you and the home.
MOM: I'm going to slap you.
KEVIN: You'll totally forget by the time you finish that damn refrigerator. So did you do the sourdough tour too?
MOM: No. Where was that?
KEVIN: Right across from the damn tortilla thing. Did you do Soarin' over California?
KEVIN: The one where you soar over areas of California. Hence the name.
KEVIN: Why not?
MOM: We didn't know what it was.
KEVIN: (sighs) What about Grizzly River Run?
KEVIN: The rapids.
MOM: I wanted to, but they didn't want to get wet.
KEVIN: It doesn't get you that wet.
MOM: I know. I tried to tell them that but they didn't want to.
KEVIN: So what else did you do? Golden Dreams? The movie with Whoopi.
MOM: Where was that?
KEVIN: Gawd, the park is the size of a dime and you had a friggin' map. What about Golden Zephyr? The SILVER ships that go over the water.
MOM: That looked boring. Most of it looked boring.
KEVIN: Well then what the hell did you do all day? I count like six things and a lot of looking for other things.
MOM: Oh, we had free tickets to Disneyland so we spent most of the day there.
KEVIN: And there we have it!
MOM: (finally finishes the damn fridge) Why do you say it like that? You aren't writing this for your column, are you?
KEVIN: Ummm... no.
Walt Disney World's Magic Kingdom
Disney's Animal Kingdom
Disney's Hollywood Studios
Disney California Adventure
Universal Studios Florida
Universal's Islands of Adventure
Universal Studios Hollywood