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Robert Niles

Top new attractions at a Comcast-owned Universal theme park

Published: October 1, 2009 at 11:24 AM

C'mon, you knew that this snark was coming, after last night's rumor news:

Comcast/Universal's House of Horror
Step into a darkened theater and slip on a pair of binaural headphones for this terrifying experience. You'll listen, in crystal wrap-around stereo sound, as real Comcast customers beg for the mortal lives, desperately pleading for a repair representative to visit their homes, sometime this year.

Jurassic Tech

Jurassic Tech

Travel to a lost Pacific island with a mad scientist who wanted to recreate a lost world, where all electronic communication travels via coaxial cable. But, of course, something goes terribly wrong and a velociraptor eats a network cabinet.

Revenge of the Mommy
Board a Comcast "cable car" and try to flee the city, as an enraged mother who's children couldn't watch "The Madagascar Penguins" due to a cable outage chases you through the Los Angeles area.

Men in Black: Piracy Attack
You and the rest of your cable tech crew drive around the city, looking for people who are stealing cable TV connections. Shoot down the illegal cable lines wherever you find them! High score wins the polyester double-knit "jumpsuit."

I.T. Adventure
Grab a handful of Reese's Pieces and try to lure an alien to your workplace, in the hopes that an alien can decipher the Comcast technical manual explaining how to use the cable provider for the office's Internet connectivity.

Got any other suggestions? See you in the comments.

Replies (7)

Published: October 1, 2009 at 3:11 PM

The Incredible Internet Coaster.Go on a journey where you shoot out of a DSL modem at high speeds.

Published: October 1, 2009 at 3:14 PM

The Amazing Cyberspace ride.Go on a journey with 3D visual effects that take you through cyberspace

Published: October 1, 2009 at 5:28 PM

Enjoy the new ComCastic Barney Playhouse Show

I love your money
You love me tv
We're a happy virtual community
With a great big hug and a :=) to you
Won't you say you love me internet service too!

Derek Potter

Published: October 1, 2009 at 5:39 PM

How about a wait on the cable guy attraction. You have to wait in line, but your ride could start anytime between 11 and 4.
Bruce Lane

Published: October 1, 2009 at 6:55 PM

"Coming soon on 'Comcast's Believe It Or Not... Listen to recordings of actual customer service calls, from the bland to mind-bending! Decide for yourself if the problem discussed was real, or merely imaginary! Remember, only YOUR votes will determine if a technician gets dispatched, BUT -- If you're WRONG, you and your friends get locked in a room for a four-hour marathon of the old Peewee Herman show!!"

(Or SpongeBob, depending on who you consider to be less tolerable).

David Graham

Published: October 1, 2009 at 7:29 PM

Derek, I think your attraction was real, it was RRR when it first opened, it might open it might not but stand in line and see LOL

And don't get me going on Comcast, we THREW the tech out when we moved into a new place, so you can guess who is NOT my provider lol.

Joshua Counsil

Published: October 2, 2009 at 1:49 PM

A Day in the Park with Barney, only to be briefly interrupted with a 30 second porn blip.

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