How to have a horrible theme park vacation
Hey, you can find plenty of blog posts on Theme Park Insider, and around the Web, telling you how you can get the most from your theme park vacation
and enjoy your day
. But who needs that? Not you, Mr. or Ms. Steel-Eyed-Realist. You want the real
scoop on how to attack your vacation like a pit bull on a pile of raw steak. So I'm sending away the silly optimists now and letting you in on the secret
. These tips are just for you:
Show up late in the morning
You're on vacation - of course you're going to sleep in! There's no need to get up early to visit a theme park. When the park opens, there are no lines, so how can you tell which rides are worth doing?
Wait to buy your tickets at the gate
Doing advance research online is confusing. It's for insecure people who don't make their best decisions under cold, hard pressure. That's not you. You live for the brash, last-minute decision. So queue up, ignore the signs and wait to decide on your tickets until you get to the window.
Eat lunch at noon
Sure, you've only been in the park for maybe an hour at this point, but who's going to tell you to deviate from your schedule? No one! It's noon, which is lunch time, so you're going to eat. No matter how long it takes.
Go on the rides with the longest lines, since they must be the best
You're the most special person in the world, of course, but you're smart enough to know that you can learn a few things from watching the crowd. See where they go, and follow them. That's how you'll find the best rides in the park.
Try to sneak your kids on rides they're too short for
You paid good money for those discounted kids' admission to the park, so they're entitled to go on every last ride in the place. Rules are for other people. Tell you kids to stand on their tippie-toes when the park employee measures them. That always works. And if it doesn't...
Complain, early and often
Every smart consumer knows that complaining, as loudly and with as much anger as possible, is how you get the best service. Demand to see a manager. Threaten to have everyone fired. Even better, threaten to write a negative review online. Now that's something that really motivate service workers to shape up and start doing their best!
Take extra time to take pictures of your whole family when you're getting on a ride
This is a special day, and you'll want to remember it forever. So be sure to take the time you need to get that special picture of everyone cramming onto every single ride vehicle all day long. It's the park's job to make sure you're having a good time, so they'll be happy to stop the ride for you, holding the line and keeping other riders from exiting while you compose that perfect shot.
Remember that if you're not waiting in line or riding, you're wasting your money
Rides are the only reason to visit a theme park, so if you're not on a ride or waiting for one, you're wasting your time and money. Taking a break in lush garden, dining in a charming, themed restaurant or resting on a park bench near the lake are time-wasters for suckers.
Yell at your kids
They're too young to know what's good for 'em, so if they start slacking, moaning or, heaven forbid, crying, let loose with your best drill sergeant impression and scream at them until they fall in line and obey you.
Buy lots of souvenirs and carry them around with you all day
You want people to know that you've got the money to afford this vacation. (Or, at least, you did at the beginning of the day.) So carry around your bags and bags of souvenirs like the badges of honor that they are. Who cares how much it slows you down or tires the kids? Think of this as weight training! It's like gym class. Again, free package storage or delivery services are for wimps. Not smart folks like you.
So there you go, 10 tips designed to ensure that you get the theme park vacation you deserve. Now, please feel free to forward this list to all the people you really hate. ;^)
For more fun stories from theme park insiders, including this one, download a copy of "Stories from a Theme Park Insider."
I suppose these are the rules for that new Seinfeld/Superman inspired theme park...you know, Bizarro World...scheduled to open next Spring?
Brilliant simply brilliant, this applies to say 70% of all park guest from my experience.
I detect sarcasm ;o)
This is great! And Mike's Comment was also great! haha!
...I think I kind of love you right now. Thank you so much for this much needed laugh.
Bring your 2 week old. They'll love it and remember it for a lifetime. Especially in the summer. It's not like you didn't know they were coming.
Reminds me of
Ignore advise about sunscreen. In fact try to expose as much skin as possible. Especially if you are fat, tair skinned and have lots of tatoos to show off. If you are fair skinned or a red head.. double your pleasure.
Don't forget! You ABSOLUTELY have to win that GIANT stuffed animal in a games area. Take it everywhere with you to show off your prowess at carnival games, demand it has a seat right next to you on all the rides so everyone may enjoy your hard won victory! If anyone complains scream, yell and curse them as creatively as you can about YOUR vacation.
If you don't drink plenty of water, you won't have to use the bathroom as often and can spend more time in line, using the railings for their intended purpose, as seats and as gymnastic exercise bars. Hydration is WAY overrated! If you absolutely must have any fluid intake, be sure it is either sugary and caffeinated or an alcoholic beverage, to give you extra energy. Water is for wimps.
Props to Carrie!
LOVE the additions! Keep 'em coming!
Always remember that you deserve the best seat in every theater. Don't worry about the cast member telling you to move all the way down the row, filling every available seat. Thats for losers who dont know that you can only really enjoy the show from the seats in the exact center of the theater. People will not mind squeezing by you as the cast member keeps repeating the seating announcement over and over again. In fact, they will probably admire you for your tenacity.
and don't forget to take as many flash photos as you want especially on dark rides (potc/great movie ride) people won't mind it doesn't ruin the setting. oh and stop in the middle of the road suddenly to read your map others will just walk around you :)
Oh my lord I almost died laughing. By far, the best blog post on the internet, on ANY topic. I've seen way too many people actually adhering to these "rules" so having someone call them out publicly is awesome. Go TPI!!
I saw someone comment on the strollers as battering rams - absolutely!!! I was participating in the Princess 1/2 Marathon this weekend and a crowd cut through the race path at EPCOT and one guy almost knocked me over with the stroller (as if I needed help to collapse).
The last one made me think of these gigantic plush prizes you see in some parks. "Congratulations, you've won the right to lug around 6 feet of Sponge Bob in the sun for the rest of the day."
^^How about Cola Roaster? We could get Pepsi to sponsor...
Cola Roaster? Reminds me of that Reverend Lovejoy quote:
Don't worry about posting negative reviews online. Just do them anonymously.
I see what you did there.... /metahumor
This is great... I really needed a good laugh. I personally like the micro-managers. The ones that before they came have a "schedule" to make sure they don't miss anything. Little do they know that they are missing EVERYTHING.
Haha! This is the best! :D
OMG LOL and all the rest of the acronyms! I've had the best time reading these posts. I have entirely too much time on my hands today. Checked out Joshua's The List and spent five straight minutes laughing till I cried at Gareth's story about a guy with a camera so big that his 50 ft lens grew to 500 ft by the end of it, and the one about dousing the drunk faker in the wheelchair in a water play area, who suddenly rose with beer can in hand (it's a miracle!) to chase the assailant. You know you're a theme park veteran when you can recognize all these types.
You forgot one! Ladies, the parks are quite compact so make sure you wear your prettiest shoes. Since everything is sooo close by, feel free to wear those 3 inch heels - you'll breeze thru the parks in 30 minutes (or less), so you won't have to worry about wearing those ugly, comfortable shoes. And, isn't it more important to be fashonable than comfortable anyway? ; )
Sarcasm? What sarcasm? This is the BEST advice EVER! Now- if we join together and hand out this list at the front of the park all of us at TPI will be able to walk on all the rides, restaurants, and park benches we want!
Really enjoying this alternate universe vacation.
spend as much time complaining to guest services about the long wait times as you would have actually waiting to ride the attractions.
Please feel free to use the line as your audition for America's Got Talent. Everyone will want to be held up another 30 minutes in line because you just HAVE to show your routine in the middle of the standby line.... you never know, Simon Cowell could be just behind you!
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