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Theme Park Insider's 2011 Year In Review - August

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Published: December 31, 2011 at 9:29 AM

Note: The editor of these articles has insisted that I make the soon to be obvious point that while there may be some real news in here, the key to these articles is a sense of humor. While your own recollection of these stories may be a little different than what is presented below, your recollection is quite possibly closer to truth. While it was requested that I keep to the facts, I realized quite quickly in this process that 1) Running gags are hard to write after a while and 2) blah blah blah insert something funny here.

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August, the month of major announcements and earth cleansing. I don't remember much about this month, so apparently very little happened. It is funny when you think about it, Disney opened a new resort and "new" attraction, but it was not nearly as thrilling as it sounds.

The captain is carousing with the stewardesses in the back of the plane but the autopilot is on, so no big deal. Please feel free to carouse with the captain if you are extremely good looking. Keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times. And if anyone has any Barry White on their iPod, crank that *%^& up!

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Theme Park Insider's Year In Review – August

Disney Company – Diversification (noun) – a concept that says you should get away from your core competencies in order to survive downturns in the marketplace. This would be like having Robert Niles running this website and at the same time running some other bizarre website like, I don't know, people playing a violin. In order to diversify their holdings, the Walt Disney Company decided to sink major bucks into building a resort in Hawaii that doesn't have any rides or anything that sets it out differently or above the other resorts in the area….and then they wonder why the bookings are falling below expectations. Maybe they should hire a couple of Universal people to explain it to them. I got an idea, why not open a Walt Disney Casino & Hotel, or the Walt Disney Strip Club, or the Walt Disney Human Trafficking Exchange. The company will never ever earn their money back on this one… not until they start adding rides.

Leavesden Studios (UK) – Months after Warner Brothers bought Leavesden Studios, the place where all of the Harry Potter movies were made, they announced that the studio would soon be opening up to the public to do tours of the Harry Potter sets and props from the movies.

East Coast – The world attempted to do a scrub and rinse cycle on the East Coast of the United States this month in an effort to clean off the people that live there. With a 5.8 earthquake followed by Hurricane Irene, this one-two punch shut down many of the parks on the East Coast twice over the course of this month. It didn't work very well, however, and the people of the East Coast bounced right back. Next time try bulldozers and fire. Or a region wide coffee and bagel embargo.

Six Flags Magic Mountain – Not content to have such a crappy park named the Coaster Capital of the World, the Déjà Vu ride, in the middle of the night, dismantled itself, and shipped itself off to a different park. Rumors also stated that in its old home, the Déjà Vu roller coaster didn't get along with the other nearby rides and had been heard have screaming matches with the neighbors until late into the night.

Cedar Fair – In a shocking announcement, Cedar Fair stated that Canada's Wonderland was going to get the latest massive roller coaster and not Cedar Point. After Cedar Point's obligatory tantrum and threats about moving out of their parent's house to live with their friends, a Dinosaurs Alive attraction was given to Cedar Point. I can't wait to see the look on Cedar Point's face when they finally get their new attraction… It is going to be like getting a massive radio control toy and no batteries.

Disney's Magic Kingdom – In a move that no one really noticed, the Mouse finally rebuilt and reopened the Tiki Room. I wonder if they are still running that $20 sledgehammer special?

Islands of Adventure – In what has got to be the most irritating news of the year, the Islands has announced that the Dragon Challenge will no longer duel. If you remember, this is because people started getting hurt at the point that the two coasters hurl right at each other. What this does is negate the best part of this roller coaster. Since they are no longer dueling, why not just sell them and ship them off to different parks and call them both Batman, that space could then be used by something much better that is unique and special. It would have made much more sense to buy a security system that records the riders through the entire ride, then, if something happens, you pull out the tapes and prosecute whoever did it to the fullest extent of the law, and also have ride videos to sell to guests… a win-win situation.

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So there you have it: August. If you don't remember the month like I do, please set a monkey-boy straight in the discussion below.

All monkey pictures have been lovingly borrowed from the amazing artist Frank Cho and his long deceased comic strip Liberty Meadows. I don't think any monkeys were harmed during the production of this article, but they escaped out the back and over the fence about halfway through writing this article.

Readers' Opinions

From Jack Curley on December 31, 2011 at 12:54 PM
DON'T TAKE MY BAGELS!
From Mike Gallagher on December 31, 2011 at 1:30 PM
"but the autopilot is on, so no big deal."

On whom? And how is Otto these days? Tell him Elaine was asking after him.

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