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At the end of the world, it is time to give thanks

Written by
Published: December 18, 2012 at 9:47 AM
I find it very convenient that the end of the world is on a Friday. Assuming that the world ends late on Friday, it will allow us all to get slobbering drunk and not have to worry about the hangover on Saturday. It would have been much more Biblical if the world was snuffed out shortly after church on Sunday, but some just don’t get into the spirit of the dramatics. Or maybe it would be better to wait a couple of hours after that until the Cleveland Browns put the beat-down on the Denver Broncos…in what would unarguably be a sure sign of the apocalypse.

Epcot's San Angel Inn Restaurant
I wonder if the Maya ever imagined this...

But, alas, no…the world end’s on Friday, so we better start getting used to the idea.

It’s not like we didn’t see this coming, between Hostess going out of business, Manny Pacquiao losing to Marquez, the Patriots losing to the 49ers, the NHL lockout, and losing Michael Clarke Duncan, we should have seen the writing on the walls. Even more, we should have figured out if Dick Clark was leaving us, things were looking really bad. Dick Clark was already 130 years old and looked like he had another 150 left in him, so it’s not as if it wasn’t a conscience decision on his part. At least Donna Summers, Whitney Houston, and Robin Gibb have someone to announce their never-ending concerts in the pit.

Gangnam Style should have been a good indication as well.

I wonder: if Hostess died, then is it possible that you can get a Twinkie in the afterlife? It might be something to look forward to…

So, anyway, with the approaching demise of the world, I figured it was a really good time to get on Santa Claus’s or your deity of choice’s good side and express a little bit of gratitude for making the last year on this planet an exciting one. Feel free to add your own thank you’s in the talkback below.

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Thank you to Universal and Disney for deciding that a spat between the two companies should result in the best group of attractions the world has ever known. Too bad the east coast wasn’t quick enough to complete the Harry Potter expansion, Transformers, the Simpsons expansion, and the Seven Dwarves Coaster before the end of the world.

Thank you to Louisville Fair Board for dragging their feet on Kentucky Kingdom and allowing Holiday World to siphon off all of the people who would normally go to your park, creating a renaissance for a small family park that is now one of the major players on the theme park scene.

Thank you to Cedar Point for showing how to beat Six Flags at their own game, and somehow managing to kill Universal and Disney and all other parks when it comes to the Golden Ticket Awards, despite the fact that they are a seasonal park with little to no theming.

Thank you to Six Flags Magic Mountain for keeping Cedar Point honest.

Thank you to Six Flags Fiesta Texas for redoing the Rattler before it killed someone.

Thank you to Kings Island for tearing down Son of Beast before it got caught in some apocalyptic monster’s teeth. If the world wasn’t ending on Friday, I would be looking forward to whatever might have been reinstalled in that area.

Thank you to Cars Land for the inevitable conversation that I will have to have with my son explaining why cars can only talk on Disney property.

Thank you to Robert Niles for keeping Theme Park Insider running. Since hell has wifi (explaining where many YouTube videos originate from), if for some reason when the world ends, if Robert goes “up”, I will personally attempt to run TPI from the pit for all of us who don’t qualify make it through the pearly gates.

Thank you to Elitch Gardens for not building anything for years, because with the high altitude and stuff, it would just make people’s heads literally explode if something new were built, and then you would have clean up issues and the lawsuits and all of that stuff… And when I say new, I don’t mean some cast off that some other park doesn’t want despite the fact that they only have like 5 working rides.

Thank you to SeaWorld for at least making an effort this year to pretend like you are a player in the Universal/Disney duel. Although if SeaWorld really got into this duel, it wouldn’t be a “duel” anymore, it would be a “truel” and if you included Lego or Busch, it would be a “cruel” or “quad-uel”.

Thank you to Six Flags for all the special elite services we get for free after paying $25 for parking.

Thank you to Disney’s Animal Kingdom for finally getting the Yeti fixed. Isn’t it amazing that Disney can build a robot that can catch a baseball and shrug when it misses, but can’t seem to pull the plug on the disco light over the yeti? I wonder if the robot catcher is on steroids like all of the other baseball players…

Thank you to all of those insane individuals who think that barrel rolls on wooden roller coasters are a good idea. I understand now that with the world coming to an end, there was never any intention to actually do this.

Well, that is all that I have…..feel free to unload your soul in preparation for the ending of the world below.

Readers' Opinions

From James Koehl on December 18, 2012 at 11:04 AM
Thirteen thank-yous. Intentional? Coincidence? or just plain spooky?!
From Mike Gallagher on December 18, 2012 at 1:14 PM
I never liked Twinkies....but I lost my Ring-Dings and Yodels!!!(Drakes was owned by Hostess)

You missed another sign of the impending Apocalypse..Bazooka Gum recently announced it was deep-sixing Bazooka Joe comic strips with its product.

I hate that the Apocalypse arrives when I haven't rode either of the coasters named Apocalypse. Well, TECHNICALLY I have ridden one, but that no longer counts.

From James Rao on December 18, 2012 at 3:55 PM
Disney fixed the Yeti? Oh, you mean neutered...

Great post, Jeff.

FYI - for the non-Mayan calendar end of the year junkies (those who instead choose to believe the following: there is supposedly a black hole in the middle of the Milky Way holding everything together. Our solar system is around the outer edge of the disc. When our solar system lines up with center of the galaxy on 12-21-12, we will be at the strongest part of the galaxy's magnetic field where there is maximum gravitation. So, with the Sun's solar cycle being at it's maximum, the alignment of Saturn and Jupiter, and the alignment of the sun with the equator of the Milky Way, this perfect storm will cause an increase in the magnitude of the Sun's solar flares and the gravitational complexities that influence our planet. Earth may undergo a magnetic pole shift, or even worse, it may reverse its rotation since we'll be in the opposite hemisphere of the galaxy!) the world is supposed to end at like 5:00 AM Friday (Central, of course), so you better start your drinking Thursday night.

From Mike Gallagher on December 18, 2012 at 6:14 PM
But James, will the moon be in the Seventh House and will Jupiter align with Mars? Because then peace will guide the planets, and love will steer the stars.
From James Rao on December 18, 2012 at 7:58 PM
Will Disney and Universal fans join hands and sing Kumbaya, too????

As long as I get a lunch out of it, I am happy.

From 71.218.5.70 on December 18, 2012 at 10:38 PM
I've lived in Colorado for almost 4 years and haven't been to elitch once. Just seems like a waste of money.
From Dan Babbitt on December 19, 2012 at 12:40 AM
This was a great read!

I got some:

Thank you Southwest for making tickets relatively "cheap" and allowing the "second bag to fly free" deal. Saved me tons of money when I got those calls to pick up this or that from all thosr that werent on a trip.

Thank you to the Triumvirate that ran TPA it was great (again) this year.

Thank you to Universal for one upping Disney and forcing them to one up you, with the acquisition Lucas Film. I love the fact if we all survive this, there will be more Star Wars movies, rides, and attraction in the near future!

And of course

Thank you to You and the other readers and posters for keeping thoroughly entertained with your posts and rants about something I love to talk and read about.

From Zena Sharpe on December 19, 2012 at 4:07 AM
That was epic - I am now wiping a tear away from my eye - from laughing that it. One of the best blogs I have seen, well done!lol
From Ben Reeves on December 19, 2012 at 6:12 AM
didn't the end of the world begin when Bieber released music?
From 63.76.51.1 on December 19, 2012 at 7:14 AM
Gah!! I can't believe I missed Disney buying Star Wars......I consider that a major fail!
From Todd Donahue on December 19, 2012 at 7:15 AM
I want to thank all the Disney fanboys for making it so easy to see why Universal is better. There is so many jokes for its just for the children line as just an example. And someone getting so upset that they didn't get the last word on a thread, that they resubmit the exact same thread. Or using names as quotes from the previous threads like some sort of third person narrative bbc want a be. Priceless.
From Jeff Elliott on December 19, 2012 at 8:48 AM
Ooops....I should have logged in....
From 65.79.16.78 on December 20, 2012 at 8:15 AM
And I thank you, for digging up the lingering pain still felt by most Browns fans from the infamous Broncos debacle of so many years ago. If we win, or would have won on Sunday if the world made it that far, it would have truly signaled so form of cosmic justice.
From 63.95.36.13 on December 20, 2012 at 10:39 AM
Yes Todd

Universal is so much better ? and is that proved in the attendance figures, or universals P&L ...... ? 2 half day parks beat disney.....your dreaming

From 173.76.215.77 on December 20, 2012 at 7:59 PM
Thanks for the great article! Made me laugh.
From Mike Gallagher on December 21, 2012 at 5:26 AM
Oh, well..I guess that didn't work out.
From James Koehl on December 21, 2012 at 8:02 AM
Well, Jeff, it looks like it didn't happen. Of course, we still have a few hours left to die, but just in case I thought I'd give you a head start on the next EOTW date, so that you can start saving up events to include in your next "...time to give thanks" article. According to the Weekly World News (one of America's most prestigious publications), a group of archeologists, digging at the site of the Donner Party disaster, discovered a time capsule left by the ill-fated survivors of the 19th-century cannibal buffet, where they announced that the world would end in 2016. Jeff, this should give you 3+ years to gather newsworthy theme/amusement park articles to include in your "Top Thirteen" events. Hey, how about making some predictions for what will happen between now and then, and see how close you come? This could be a new competition- Theme Park Prognisticator! Tim, are you reading this? I'll be a judge if you want ;+)
From Zombie Jeff on December 21, 2012 at 9:23 AM
Braaaaaiiiiiinnnnnnssssss!
From Tim Hillman on December 21, 2012 at 9:59 AM
Thank you, Jeff, for another masterpiece!
From Jeff Elliott on December 21, 2012 at 12:19 PM
I don’t know if anyone else felt it, but the world ended 20 minutes ago.

It was immediately replaced with a similar but much better world.

I have yet to understand the full impact, but I have discovered a few major difference between the old world and the new one that replaced it.

1. In this new world, no one has ever heard of a lazo-blade.

2. Oddly, flying cars are no longer commonplace and are still a thing of science fiction

3. Britney Spears no longer wins the Nobel Prize in physics for creating atom vibration technology, which several years later was used by most countries to boil their neighboring countries alive. In this new world she was recruited at a young age by the Disney company and becomes a pop singer…..at least they could try to make these things sound plausible if they are going to rewrite history like that…..I mean, really, how does someone with no musical talent at all become a pop singer?

4. In a weird twist that I don’t quite understand, we are best friends with Canada and not Mexico. I wonder what happens to the 300,000 people that died in the Arctic War? And yet, somehow the USA was allowed to keep Alaska in this new world. I find that to be a bit of an oversight…..I wonder how they explained that one….

5. In this new world, no one has ever heard of Cleat Justain and the Crumbles, which I do consider to be a bonus, since their song, “Love with a Punch” had been banned in twenty countries and caused hearing loss in most adults even when played at a low volume. In their place, it appears that someone name Justin Bieber has taken their place, so I have yet to decide if this is a net gain or not.

From Mike Gallagher on December 21, 2012 at 12:36 PM
Welcome to TPI, Zombie Jeff. I hope we'll see you post often.
From 71.178.217.74 on December 23, 2012 at 11:32 AM
Cleveland will never win; the Broncos are on FIRE!

New Elitchs* is awful. Never hold a candle to the Old Elitch Gardens*, even if the latter never had any big steel coasters.

*I have and always will refer to the current Elitchs as new, even though it has been there awhile. Old Es will always be the one that was on 38th and Tennyson.

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