At the end of the world, it is time to give thanks
Written by Jeff Elliott
I find it very convenient that the end of the world is on a Friday. Assuming that the world ends late on Friday, it will allow us all to get slobbering drunk and not have to worry about the hangover on Saturday. It would have been much more Biblical if the world was snuffed out shortly after church on Sunday, but some just don’t get into the spirit of the dramatics. Or maybe it would be better to wait a couple of hours after that until the Cleveland Browns put the beat-down on the Denver Broncos…in what would unarguably be a sure sign of the apocalypse.Tweet
I wonder if the Maya ever imagined this...
But, alas, no…the world end’s on Friday, so we better start getting used to the idea.
It’s not like we didn’t see this coming, between Hostess going out of business, Manny Pacquiao losing to Marquez, the Patriots losing to the 49ers, the NHL lockout, and losing Michael Clarke Duncan, we should have seen the writing on the walls. Even more, we should have figured out if Dick Clark was leaving us, things were looking really bad. Dick Clark was already 130 years old and looked like he had another 150 left in him, so it’s not as if it wasn’t a conscience decision on his part. At least Donna Summers, Whitney Houston, and Robin Gibb have someone to announce their never-ending concerts in the pit.
Gangnam Style should have been a good indication as well.
I wonder: if Hostess died, then is it possible that you can get a Twinkie in the afterlife? It might be something to look forward to…
So, anyway, with the approaching demise of the world, I figured it was a really good time to get on Santa Claus’s or your deity of choice’s good side and express a little bit of gratitude for making the last year on this planet an exciting one. Feel free to add your own thank you’s in the talkback below.
Thank you to Universal and Disney for deciding that a spat between the two companies should result in the best group of attractions the world has ever known. Too bad the east coast wasn’t quick enough to complete the Harry Potter expansion, Transformers, the Simpsons expansion, and the Seven Dwarves Coaster before the end of the world.
Thank you to Louisville Fair Board for dragging their feet on Kentucky Kingdom and allowing Holiday World to siphon off all of the people who would normally go to your park, creating a renaissance for a small family park that is now one of the major players on the theme park scene.
Thank you to Cedar Point for showing how to beat Six Flags at their own game, and somehow managing to kill Universal and Disney and all other parks when it comes to the Golden Ticket Awards, despite the fact that they are a seasonal park with little to no theming.
Thank you to Six Flags Magic Mountain for keeping Cedar Point honest.
Thank you to Six Flags Fiesta Texas for redoing the Rattler before it killed someone.
Thank you to Kings Island for tearing down Son of Beast before it got caught in some apocalyptic monster’s teeth. If the world wasn’t ending on Friday, I would be looking forward to whatever might have been reinstalled in that area.
Thank you to Cars Land for the inevitable conversation that I will have to have with my son explaining why cars can only talk on Disney property.
Thank you to Robert Niles for keeping Theme Park Insider running. Since hell has wifi (explaining where many YouTube videos originate from), if for some reason when the world ends, if Robert goes “up”, I will personally attempt to run TPI from the pit for all of us who don’t qualify make it through the pearly gates.
Thank you to Elitch Gardens for not building anything for years, because with the high altitude and stuff, it would just make people’s heads literally explode if something new were built, and then you would have clean up issues and the lawsuits and all of that stuff… And when I say new, I don’t mean some cast off that some other park doesn’t want despite the fact that they only have like 5 working rides.
Thank you to SeaWorld for at least making an effort this year to pretend like you are a player in the Universal/Disney duel. Although if SeaWorld really got into this duel, it wouldn’t be a “duel” anymore, it would be a “truel” and if you included Lego or Busch, it would be a “cruel” or “quad-uel”.
Thank you to Six Flags for all the special elite services we get for free after paying $25 for parking.
Thank you to Disney’s Animal Kingdom for finally getting the Yeti fixed. Isn’t it amazing that Disney can build a robot that can catch a baseball and shrug when it misses, but can’t seem to pull the plug on the disco light over the yeti? I wonder if the robot catcher is on steroids like all of the other baseball players…
Thank you to all of those insane individuals who think that barrel rolls on wooden roller coasters are a good idea. I understand now that with the world coming to an end, there was never any intention to actually do this.
Well, that is all that I have…..feel free to unload your soul in preparation for the ending of the world below.
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