Beyond CaliFlorida: Who's up for an ice cream run?
Written by Jeff Elliott
Welcome to all who are joining us for a new season and a new name!Tweet
To those of you who don’t know me, a short introduction is probably in order. I have been reading TPI nearly since the beginning and decided to remove myself from “fly on the wall” status to participate in a TPI contest. By the end of that contest, I had started up a nearly weekly article to summarize the news with harsh amounts of sarcasm and enrolled in a new contest. My luck must have been with me because I won both contests and am still writing the column some three years later.
I am what you could call an expert on Amusement and Theme Parks, while there are others that know more than me, I would consider them experts as well. I have never worked at a park, but I have visited many, while highly interested in what goes on behind the scenes. At the same time, I have a pretty good sense of humor, particularly when I am writing it down or having a conversation with other funny people. I am the type of person who says what everyone is thinking but unwilling to say. I am also the type of person who can turn a problem around and make snide comments from the other side of the equation. I could be helpful, and sometimes am, but it doesn’t make for an entertaining article.
I get to do what few people get to do on the front page of TPI, by talking about rumors and forming ideas. We just need to understand that a rumor is just a rumor until the shovels are in the dirt. Also, we need to understand that humor comes from overstatement, understatement, reveling in the obvious, talking trash, being unpleasant, and occasionally, jokes. Sometimes I will make things up to prove a point. If it is in doubt, please ask the question in the feedback, where I usually get off my soapbox and behave like a normal human being. The word supposedly, is supposedly mentioned right around the time that I start wildly making things up.
Feel free to add your own news in the talkback. I also accept complements, or probably more warranted, brutal criticism. I like all of it and find the criticism particularly funny, just realize that any problem you have with tone, content, or me personally is probably going to fall on deaf ears and the defensive posts by people who actually like this article. But feel free to knock yourself out and vent if it will make you feel better.
And despite the title, that is only a guideline, and I will talk about whatever I feel like, and merely concentrate my efforts on topics that don’t concern a mouse, a wizard, or a whale. But frankly, if something gets my goat, it is going to receive a verbal “treatment.”
…and now on with the news.
* * *
SeaWorld San Antonio – Six college students from the University of Houston drove to San Antonio and broke into SeaWorld in the middle of the night. The gentlemen appeared to be on a routine late night beer run for their fraternity, when they were somehow sidetracked and found themselves “completely accidentally” in the Dippin' Dots storage area on SeaWorld property some 200 miles away from where they should have been. While I understand the delicious allure of Dippin' Dots, it seems that a pint of ice cream from the nearest grocery store would on the surface seem like a better use of your time and gas. I don’t know what kind a fraternity seems to think it is a good idea to go swimming with the killer whales in the middle of the night, but it might be a good time to point out the obvious word “killer” in the name killer whale. Something with the name of killer whale should not be expected to dribble unicorn tears of healing on your skinned knee or play with a ball of yarn. Just like it is a bad idea to eat a poison frog, messing with a killer whale is probably not the brightest of ideas. You might not believe this, but names actually have a tendency to mean something. By the way, when your fraternal brothers said to “flog the dolphin” they didn’t mean for you to break into SeaWorld. The security guards who just happened to be between hands of rummy two hours after the students broke in managed to actually chase down and catch two of the kids between hysterical fits of wheezing and donut recharges, although they did not collect enough coins to make the leader board. It was later reported that the two men who were caught of the six had been kicked off of the school’s track team.
Dollywood – FireChaser Express is now open. For those of you who have been on the ride already, is it poor design or management cutbacks that somehow put a rollercoaster in the middle of a fireworks factory? And where did the fire come from? Are they inspecting these rides? It just seems a little dangerous to me.
Walt Disney World – Walls are starting to come down around the Seven Dwarves ride, supposedly because the lumber was needed to set up a new meet a greet area for the stars of Frozen. Why they can’t be in two parks at one time I have no idea, but apparently Epcot is unable to deal with long lines and sudden popularity. From what I am seeing of the Seven Dwarves coaster is that they completely shed themselves of the unhealthy relationship that they had with some random dame that wondered into their place one evening. Good for you guys! Good luck finding shorter women, and more of them.
Universal Studios Hollywood – The park has filed for a trademark for Fast & Furious: Supercharged for theme park use. This could be the rumored replacement of the dancing cars exhibit during the tram tour. It could also be something much more exciting and an answer to the question: what’s next after Potter opens?
Luna Park @ Coney Island – Thunderbolt construction is underway. They have posted a new video that has AC*DC wannabe music and animation that looks like the people fired from the Lego Movie did it for them. The video then goes on to point out ridiculously obvious elements like a “loop”. Watch at your own risk.
Roller Coaster Tycoon 4 – I’m still scratching my head on this one. After the latest coaster simulators, why would they come out with a game that looks cartoonier than all of the previous games in the series? I hear that there is a PC version on its way as well, but that just might be grumblings of the fan base.
Tip of the week: If you are illegally in a park after it has closed, don't order pizza delivery.
If you have any other tips or news, please feel free to join the conversation below.
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