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Robert Niles

The real top 13 reasons not to go to Disney World

Published: April 1, 2014 at 12:22 PM

Last month, a painfully unfunny article went viral offering Top 13 Reasons Not to Go to Disney. We thought that you, our Theme Park Insider readers, could do better, and you did. So today, we present our real top 13 reasons not to go to Walt Disney World, with all the snark that such a ridiculous premise deserves.

And better yet, we present our list as an actual list, instead of making you click through a freakin' slideshow. You're welcome.

The Top 13 Reasons Not to Go to Disney World

1. Nobody can tell you what to do with your hands and arms at all times.

Chesley Sullenberger
I do what I want.

2. The last time you took a small child firmly by the hand, you ended up with a restraining order.

Take a child by the hand
Oh, it's supposed to be your *own* child?

3. The blatant celebration of the royalty is abhorrent to everything we stand for in America.

Beatrice and Eugenie
Want to see princesses? Go to England.

4. They haven't done anything about their rodent problem.

Mickey and Minnie Mouse
Seriously, they're HUGE!

5. You have pediophobia (fear of dolls).

It's a Small World
And a fear of earworms, too.

6. Because it's not a small world after all. It's actually 7,918 miles wide.

The Earth
That's pretty big!

7. You'll meet people from all over the world... as well as all their germs and viruses.

Little Green Men
How sickly green you do want to be when you get home from vacation?

8. Disney's frozen bananas are inferior imitations of Bluth's Original Frozen Banana.

Banana stand
There's always money in the banana stand.

9. Your local movie theater lets you sit in the middle of the row, without barking at you to slide all the way down.

Movie audience
I got here first. Find your own seat and stay away from me.

10. It turns out that Walt's not really frozen under the castle after all.

Walt and the castle
They didn't encase him in carbonite, either?

11. You want to see a Yeti that moves.

Expedition Everest's Yeti
That one hurts.

12. You are a Marvel Comics character.

Universal's Marvel caravan
Okay, that one *really* hurts.

13. If you don't go, the lines will be one person shorter for the rest of us.

Main Street USA
Seriously, get out of our way.

Replies (17)

Anon Mouse

Published: April 1, 2014 at 1:22 PM

Those princesses could be Cinderella's step-sisters. No Fastpass joke?
James Trexen

Published: April 1, 2014 at 2:03 PM

Hey now, I authored one of those points. What does that say about *my* writing?
Andrew Dougherty

Published: April 1, 2014 at 3:09 PM

I'm actually watching Arrested Development right now. So good. On a side note what type of influence could Netflix have on theme parks.
Robert Niles

Published: April 1, 2014 at 4:34 PM

A reminder to everyone that our Rules for Writers prohibit comments that attack or demean other writers on the site. I've been a bit lax about enforcing that aggressively against registered members, but it's crack-down time starting today. I've deleted several comments so far.

Thank you to everyone who abides by our rules for writers and helps to keep the conversations here informative, welcoming, and, on a good day, funny!

Published: April 1, 2014 at 4:02 PM

I made the mistake of actually reading through that whole list on the other website. How hateful and unfunny was that? Not even accurate. The so-called "construction" photo was actually of Walt Disney Concert Hall in downtown Los Angeles - which had nothing whatsoever to do with ANY Disney park. The author googled images for Disney and construction, and that's what they came up with, I guess.

I enjoyed the TPI list MUCH better. You're right - if you're a Disney-hater, then stay the heck out of the parks and leave one more space for those of us who can appreciate a wholesome good time!

robert morris

Published: April 1, 2014 at 4:17 PM

14. Because you don't have the extra 2 dollars to park this year...

James Rao

Published: April 1, 2014 at 10:50 PM

'Bout time, Robert! I'm getting tired of having to defend everyone! ;)
Brandon Townsend

Published: April 2, 2014 at 12:59 AM

The original list was perhaps the lamest ever put together. But if it keeps people away from DW, awesome. TPI's list was much better.
Rob Pastor

Published: April 2, 2014 at 4:52 AM

The rodent problem reminds me of a great Mickey Mouse Club satire in the early years of Saturday Night Live by Belushi & company. They were all dressed up in rat costumes singing a tune to M I C K E Y M O U S E, only their words were "R I C K E Y R A T, Why? Because we're rats".
James Koehl

Published: April 2, 2014 at 5:15 AM

Rob, I remember that so well that the last time my wife and I went to WDW we were singing it there (quietly to avoid getting the rodent police after us ;+) The lyrics we remember are:

"R-I-C...see you in the sewer, sucker!
K-E-Y...why? Because we're vermin!

And this is from an old guy who remembers the original Mickey Mouse Club, I mean the original black-and-white series on our black-and-white tv in the afternoon after school.

Kelly Muggleton

Published: April 2, 2014 at 6:30 AM

The last one. Definitely my favourite. :-)
Rob Pastor

Published: April 2, 2014 at 7:37 AM

Yes, the original on black & white with Annette Funicello. A galaxy far far away. Glad to see the original words. I didn't recall them as well as you. I, too, sing the song at WDW as an ode to Bob Iger and the TDO team.
Tony Duda

Published: April 2, 2014 at 9:06 AM

Yeah, my reason made it! (With a much edited, pithy and more elegant phraseology)
Robert Niles

Published: April 2, 2014 at 11:41 AM

Many thanks to everyone who contributed, to this thread and all others on TPI!

Published: April 4, 2014 at 2:31 PM

Was the original article a real article or something more than lines of sarcasm? Something about it makes me feel like its not real. Almost like it was written and posted The Onion.

Published: April 5, 2014 at 6:48 AM

I'll never understand why people who do not enjoy WDW continually bash it! If you don't like it,go find something else to do that you do enjoy. Life's short so please 'stand clear of the doors' and get out of my way!
Becky  Medina

Published: April 5, 2014 at 8:51 PM

Because florida has sinkholes ALL the time...better to stay at home & be safe

Great article! Loved all 13 reasons.

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