Let's imagine Hollywood's ultimate star-driven theme park resort

February 8, 2019, 5:00 PM · The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part opens today, in advance of The Lego Movie Land opening later this year at Legoland Florida. The new film co-stars Chris Pratt, who is becoming a familiar presence in major theme park attractions.

Pratt is one of the stars of Guardians of the Galaxy: Mission Breakout! at Disney California Adventure and plays a leading character in the Jurassic World franchise that is taking over the old Jurassic Park ride this summer at Universal Studios Hollywood. Throw in The Lego Movie, and now Pratt has three theme park attractions at parks from three different companies devoted to his franchises.

So is it time for us to imagine an entire theme park devote to the actor?

Yes, it is. It's now time to welcome you to... Chris Pratt Place.

Legoland Florida's Lego Movie land is just one of the theme lands in our imaginary Chris Pratt theme park, which also includes the upcoming Jurassic World flume ride from Universal Studios Hollywood as well as the upcoming (yet still officially unannounced) Blue the Raptor roller coaster from Universal Orlando's Islands of Adventure.

But the highlight of Chris Platt Place might be the expanded Guardians of the Galaxy land, which features permanent installations of Epcot's Awesome Mix Live show and Disney California Adventure's Mission Breakout, as well as Epcot's upcoming Guardians of the Galaxy roller coaster.

These lands lie around the perimeter of Chris Platt Place, but the park's "Main Street USA," if you will, is Pawnee, Indiana — where our hero is waiting to shine your shoes (albeit in his younger and less-ripped form). You can find "Andy" in the park's "weenie" at the end of the Pawnee, Indiana main street — City Hall, a replica of the real-life City Hall in Theme Park Insider's hometown of Pasadena, California. (Seriously, that's where they shot the exterior scenes for "Parks & Recreation.")

But Chris Pratt Place is not the only theme park in our imaginary Hollywood-themed resort. If you have upgraded to our multi-park ticket, the exit from Mission Breakout will lead you through a secret portal into another land devoted to the Marvel Cinematic Universe, which you will find next door in the park's second gate: Samuel L. Jackson Land.

To be honest for a moment, "Samuel L. Jackson Land" is not the actual name of the park, as its real name, Motherf--kaland, cannot be pronounced in polite society.

The park's Super Nick Fury Island might look like a plussed version of Islands of Adventure's Marvel Super Hero Island, but make no mistake, Nick Fury is the star of each of these reimagined attractions, including The Amazing Adventures of Nick Fury and the Incredible Nick Fury Coaster. But not even Nick Fury's Fearfall will inspire the thrills you will feel next door in Motherf--kaland's Star Wars Jedi Temple.

Grab your purple lightsaber and prepare to do battle in the park's all-new Mace Windu: Great Vengeance and Furious Anger interactive adventure. Can you defend the Temple and arrest Darth Sidious? Or will you end up thrown through the window... and getting the shaft?

After your Star Wars adventure, slide over to the neighboring land of Municiberg for Frozone's Incredicoaster - a slippery thrill ride through the city that, frankly, makes a heck of a lot more thematic sense than what fans got in Pixar Pier.

Following that, head over to the "local airport" for the next showing of the Snakes on a Plane 4D theater. And if you're getting hungry, fuel up with the famous "Royale with Cheese" in the Pulp Fiction Hawthorne Grill.

Note that the diner's gift shop is no longer selling the park's (okay, they were culturally insensitive) Jheri Curl wig hats, as the entire stock was bought out by elected officials from the state of Virginia. But other souvenirs remain available throughout Motherf--kaland. Just don't forget to pay with your Capital One card!

The guys don't get to have all the fun in our theme park resort, of course. Opening soon will be the resort's third gate: Amy Adams' World.

Meet Gisele in the Enchanted Castle that stands above a Central Park-themed entry plaza in this planned park. Then visit its new Muppets-themed land, featuring that great Muppets roadtrip animatronic musical dark ride that Disney never did get around to building.

At the end of that road lies Metropolis, where Lois Lane hosts our trip through the offices of the Daily Planet, leading us into the park's Justice League interactive ride. Unfortunately, Ms. Lane is nowhere to be found on the park's Superman flying coaster from Bolliger & Mabillard, but that omission is understandable because the designers of this extended universe really didn't seem to know what they were doing... at least not in comparison with the folks who put together the Marvel lands in the other two parks.

You'll never know exactly what time it is in the park's Arrival attraction, which is the first theme park attraction to feature the queue after the ride, so you can look forward to the experience that you already had while you wait for it. Finally, enjoy fine dining in the Julie & Julia French Kitchen, where self-trained cooks will whip up overly-complex dishes from celebrity chefs who will dismiss our entire project. But hey, they'll still taste good!

(Unfortunately, due to current industry practices, no one named Oscar will be permitted to enter Amy Adams' World at this time.)

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Replies (10)

February 8, 2019 at 6:08 PM

Major lolol on this! Hilarious piece right here. Book me a ticket to Motherf**kaland! Where the park slogan, naturally, is "hold on to your butts"

February 8, 2019 at 6:15 PM

Haha! Funny (and clever) article!!

February 8, 2019 at 7:03 PM

I created an account just to say this is Hilarious

February 8, 2019 at 9:20 PM

Get it licensed by Netflix for an indoor venue in the UAE, have a daily parade of Hollywood Chrises and at least the restrooms will feature steady streaming. Would win an online poll for certain even if no one ever steps inside the park.

February 8, 2019 at 8:38 PM

You win today's internet!!!!

February 8, 2019 at 9:20 PM

Burt Macklin stunt show or no deal.

February 8, 2019 at 9:29 PM

Since Universal announced the release date for their feature film adaptation of the musical "Wicked," Idina Menzel is now one Madame Tussauds figure away from achieving that theme park related hat trick too. Doubt "Elsa " will "Let it Go" if she doesn't get to make guests defy gravity at your new park. Robert, you may have uncovered the theme park equivalent of winning an EGOT- guess it's a MUD if a celebrity figures into Merlin, Universal and Disney intellectual properies;)

February 9, 2019 at 8:10 AM

Trexen for the win!

February 11, 2019 at 1:23 PM

Holy. Crap. Robert. This is amazing! I almost spat out my lunch reading about the Arrival queue!

February 11, 2019 at 2:05 PM

You could definitely create a theme park around Nicholas Cage -

From the man who's such a big comic book fan that he named his son Kal El comes Caged Wonder - TM. Guests enter the life and accomplishments of Oscar winner and direct-to-video superstar through turnstiles that combine a unique biometric checkpoint with AR to allow entrants to Face Off with the star. Throughout their day, guests can use their phones to see every guest's face replaced with Cage.

Caged Wonder leverages its Disney IPs for an entire land themed around The Sorcerer's Apprentice and National Treasure. With the Government Shutdown about to take hold again, the National Archives has determined it's best for the most precious document in their collection to be housed in Caged Wonder. Here, guests can get an up close and personal look at the Declaration of Independence, and take home their own empty tube (MSRP $200 - Cage has lots of bills to pay that can't be sustained by the pawning off of his comic collection). After admiring the document, guests board a clone of Escape From Gringott's with the HP IP stripped and replaced with scenes from National Treasure. The Sorcerer's Apprentice is represented by an effect's show similar to Poseidon's Fury as Merlin and Balthazar square off with Cage providing guidance to guests.

The park's Caged Comics land is a confusing amalgam of Marvel and DC properties. Having finally gotten the opportunity to play Superman (albeit only through a voice casting in Teen Titans Go: To the Movies), Cage's life long dream is center stage in a trackless dark ride where Superman must defeat the quasi-evil Ghostrider and Film Noir Spiderman. Kick-Ass features it's own indoor dark ride shooter attraction that's sure to be a hit with the Gen X gamers.

Families will be exited to enjoy interactions with memorable animated characters from blockbuster hits The Croods, Astro Boy, G-Force, and The Ant Bully.

Action Alley plays tribute to Cage's era of prominence featuring The Rock, where guests have to navigate their way out of a maze to escape Alcatraz, Con Air, where guests have to pilot a military transport through a fiery crash, and Gone in 60 Seconds, where guests ride in a party bus trying to escape with a crew of car thieves (where have I heard this one before?).

Direct-to-Video Plaza recognizes Cage's tribute to streaming providers and disc rental companies everywhere with attractions themed to widely lauded films such as Between Worlds, 211, and Arsenal.

All of the lands encircle a giant glass cube (weenie) that features the actual Oscar that Cage won for his performance in Leaving Las Vegas for guests to admire along with a collection box for admirers to contribute to its upkeep. Sizzle reels of his performances are used for a nighttime spectacular projected on the cube entitled Caged Night -TM with accompanying pyrotechnics.

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