Theme Park Scenarios We’d Like To See: Part Nine

Today's topic is: 'Things Robert Niles would never say'

From Adrian Walker
Posted July 15, 2008 at 10:58 AM
Hello TPI’s!

Well, Mark and me are about to set off to Orlando for another festival of circus style disasters on an epic scale of incompetence. Should be awesome, but for now, here is another of TPI’s favorite comedy threads.

This topic may seem slightly controversial, but we’d assume not everyone on the site is politically correct. If you think this is bad, wait for the next thread in the series!

Today’s topic is: ‘Things Robert Niles would never say’

From hannah caller
Posted July 15, 2008 at 1:09 PM
OOH look a brit wearing sun cream!!! (i still remember that sunburned brits comment!!!)

"please oh please can you post more suggestions on the tpi improvements discussion"!!!

From James Rao
Posted July 15, 2008 at 6:30 PM
Nice ones, Hannah!

Here's one, that is almost too easy: "I wish I had a few more posters with the passion and enthusiasm of Jake Rivers!"

From Donna Tolliver-Walker
Posted July 15, 2008 at 6:56 PM
"I can't deny it any longer! Give me thrills over theming! Higher, higher ... faster, faster! ... Bigger IS better!!!"

From Donna Tolliver-Walker
Posted July 15, 2008 at 7:16 PM
Sorry, one more along the same lines:

"All a park REALLY needs is plenty of concrete and steel!"

From Anthony Murphy
Posted July 15, 2008 at 9:09 PM
Tom Sawyer's island is overrated and those cast members are lazy

(to get the joke, see Mr. Niles' bio!)

From Robert Niles
Posted July 16, 2008 at 10:42 AM
You realize, of course, that I cannot post in this thread without creating a paradox.

Whoops, too late. So much for the space/time continuum....

From Justin Spisto
Posted July 16, 2008 at 12:15 PM
Jake Rivers is my absoulte favorite poster, for I am a Cedar Point fanboy.

From Ben James
Posted July 16, 2008 at 1:34 PM
I couldn't resist this time.

"Disney has decided to drop it's theming to compete on the same level as Six Flags."

From Scottland Jacobson
Posted July 16, 2008 at 4:39 PM
OMG - I can't think of anything to post because Justin has me laughing so hard over the Jake comment!!

How 'bout this..."Three 5-star restaurants (in my opinion) open at Six Flags Discovery Kingdom."

From brian lochridge
Posted July 17, 2008 at 6:55 AM
"Dan Snyder will be remembered as the most influential theme park owner in History".

"I love Spam"

From Don Neal
Posted July 17, 2008 at 8:14 AM
"This website sucks, no one even uses it. I am off to start a new website on culinary arts influenced by pre-school snack time."

From Jeff M
Posted July 17, 2008 at 11:02 AM
OK, I'll give this a shot? Please Mr. Niles NO disrespect intended! Thanks for creating a great website.

Here it goes.....

My name is Robert Niles and not Rob, Robbie, or Bob to you lesser than me Theme Park want-to-be's! Yes, I have worked for what most consider the best Theme Park Company in the World (see my bio), but that just wasn't enough for me! Working there also taught me nothing! Especially having to deal with all those tourist type people! Walt Disney knows nothing!!!

I got no attention like I expected, so I decided to start this website. Yes, I have got more attention now, but I'm still not satisfied. Do you people not realize I have worked for several MAJOR newspapers and websites??? I now plan to team up with Mr. Jake Rivers and become the Theme Park GOD you all will realize I am !!!

From Robert Niles
Posted July 17, 2008 at 1:22 PM
I thought this was supposed to be things I would *not* say... ;-)

Do I get to pick the winner at the end?

From Jeff M
Posted July 17, 2008 at 1:35 PM
Let's hope you would NOT say or think such things! Ha ha.....

Winner??? Well, as for me it is your site, so choose accordingly if you'd like?

What prize does the winner receive? Your good graces for ever??? :)

How could I refuse then.......count me in!

From Ben Mills
Posted July 18, 2008 at 3:57 PM
I had a wonderful Niles-quote in mind, discrediting the statistical worth of this competition by deriding its reliance on qualitative values, but alas, not the brains or stats-smarts to pull it off without making myself look a little ignorant of such matters.

Alternatively, we could just put it in the form of a baseball analogy, I suppose.

From Adrian Walker
Posted July 24, 2008 at 6:36 PM
Apologies for the late response, however our internet has been out since we arrived at our stay over place in Florida.

To answer questions, Robert will decide who the winner('s) are.

Prize = Site banishment for insulting the editor. Honestly did you think posting that comment was a good idea????


From Joshua Counsil
Posted July 25, 2008 at 8:35 PM
A message from your editor and leader:

Greetings, my Theme Park No-lifers --

Y'know, as i sit here sipping my seventh or so scotch (tenth, if ya ask the wife, but what does she kno; am i right? LOL), I think to myself: "what the hell are all these LOSERS doing with there lifes?"
i mean seriously, you peopel talk about theme parks like their your life partners! go out sometime and maybe youll love something with legs instead of wheels.

i mean dont get me wrong, i love having legions of bloggers kissing my butt everyday. seriously, when was the last time one of you dweebs disagreed with me! i could come in tomorow and say that "'Shmuck and Roll's Drive 'em Buggies' are a revolution in creative development", and Iris, Brian, anthony, Justin, James, and all the rest of the Peanuts galery would say, "hey, robert, yer absolutely right" and BOOM - TPI Award for Best New attraction 2009. come on, youre worshipping ME! AN ADMITTED MATH AND COMPUTER GEEK. so, to correspond with my new feeligns towards you TPIs, i'm makin a few site changes.

first, those punk Walker brothers are banned. period. i hate there smart alec discussion topics. Here's a theme park scenario i'd like to see: you guys forced to a lifetime of orlando heat without any sunscreen.

Second, you may have noticed i disabled the spell and grammer checker to make things more interesting. i mean, this is a site about theme parks. THEME PARKS. you know, overweight yahoos on scooters eating deep fried hot dogs while experiencing mind-numbingly dumb thrill rides. this isnt 'the economist', folks.

third, all foreign and small town parks are out. finished. i mean, this is america, land of the free and home of the mega theme park conglomerates that dwarf your pathetic little petting farms. "thorpe park" - what kind of lame name is that?

fourth, i'm sick of feel-good stories and magical gatherings and all that crap. mega jumbo coasters - that's the ticket. from now on, theme park insider will be known as "Cedar Point Dicsussion", a fanbase for the undisputed best park in the universe.

thats it for now - my drink runs dry. oh anbd by the way, put two and two together - why havent i banned that jake rivers character from TPI? HE'S MY SON, you fools! don't ya get it! the "Nile" is a "River"! come on! and you babies cry every time lil' Robert comes on and ticks you off. he's the only persobn with half a brain on this forsaken mess of a site.

well, i gotta go

oh yeah - for all you old timers wondering whatever happenned to Kevin Baxter - take the magic kingdom behind the scenes tour with me - i'll show you where I buried him on Tom Sawyer's Island.

ciao, suckers. i'm gonna go play my violin. unlike you, it can hold an inteligent conversation.

-- robert "Ol' Man Rivers" Niles

From Bruce Lane
Posted July 26, 2008 at 1:08 AM
"It's a Small World After All, It's a Small World After All..." (ad infinitum)

I'm not cruel! (much)

Keep the peace(es).

From James Rao
Posted July 26, 2008 at 5:41 AM
I already knew about the Niles/Rivers link, Josh....but the "he's my son angle" is new to me. I thought it was just his pseudonym, not his kid. Interesting tidbit....AND very funny!

And what the hell is wrong with the Shmuck and Roll's Drive 'em Buggies???? Oh, you are too cruel, Josh!

And from the desk of Robert Niles: ", two bottles of scotch and one bottle of southern comfort later....hic....I can finally exact my revenge...hic...just needb to puzh thid buton....hic...then....Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....."

From Anthony Murphy
Posted July 26, 2008 at 6:25 AM
I wonder what ever happened to Erik Yates........

Also, you forgot yourself in the Peanuts Gallery Josh!

And I would never agree to those tuck and roll buggies being anything larger than a 4.

From Joshua Counsil
Posted July 26, 2008 at 1:13 PM
I'm starting to think I was eight scotches in when I wrote that.

Yeah, I could have included myself in the gallery, but I don't like self-nods in my work.

From Adrian Walker
Posted July 26, 2008 at 1:30 PM
'I've edited the accident watch section of the site. From now on, you can only submit accidents that have hilarious results. The more deaths, the better!'

From Mark Walker
Posted August 8, 2008 at 3:25 AM
'I'm going to take my wife and kids to Thorpe Park this year!'

I don't want to rush you but I like you to pick winners soon please. Adrian and myself are on a bit of a tight schedule.

ps. Thanks for letting us post this, I was worried we had gone too far on this scenario.

From Mark Walker
Posted August 14, 2008 at 5:04 AM
Last notice Robert for picking winners. We're gonna be uploading the next scenario.

From Eli Katzman
Posted August 14, 2008 at 9:08 AM
"Who needs family? I'm up for the THRILLS!!!"

This discussion has been archived, and is not accepting additional responses.

Top 10 Attendance

  1. Magic Kingdom
  2. Disneyland
  3. Tokyo Disneyland
  4. Universal Studios Japan
  5. Tokyo DisneySea
  6. Disney's Animal Kingdom
  7. Epcot
  8. Shanghai Disneyland
  9. Disney's Hollywood Studios
  10. Universal Studios Florida