Well, Mark and me are about to set off to Orlando for another festival of circus style disasters on an epic scale of incompetence. Should be awesome, but for now, here is another of TPI’s favorite comedy threads.
This topic may seem slightly controversial, but we’d assume not everyone on the site is politically correct. If you think this is bad, wait for the next thread in the series!
Today’s topic is: ‘Things Robert Niles would never say’
"please oh please can you post more suggestions on the tpi improvements discussion"!!!
Here's one, that is almost too easy: "I wish I had a few more posters with the passion and enthusiasm of Jake Rivers!"
"All a park REALLY needs is plenty of concrete and steel!"
(to get the joke, see Mr. Niles' bio!)
Whoops, too late. So much for the space/time continuum....
"Disney has decided to drop it's theming to compete on the same level as Six Flags."
How 'bout this..."Three 5-star restaurants (in my opinion) open at Six Flags Discovery Kingdom."
"I love Spam"
Here it goes.....
My name is Robert Niles and not Rob, Robbie, or Bob to you lesser than me Theme Park want-to-be's! Yes, I have worked for what most consider the best Theme Park Company in the World (see my bio), but that just wasn't enough for me! Working there also taught me nothing! Especially having to deal with all those tourist type people! Walt Disney knows nothing!!!
I got no attention like I expected, so I decided to start this website. Yes, I have got more attention now, but I'm still not satisfied. Do you people not realize I have worked for several MAJOR newspapers and websites??? I now plan to team up with Mr. Jake Rivers and become the Theme Park GOD you all will realize I am !!!
Do I get to pick the winner at the end?
Winner??? Well, as for me it is your site, so choose accordingly if you'd like?
What prize does the winner receive? Your good graces for ever??? :)
How could I refuse then.......count me in!
Alternatively, we could just put it in the form of a baseball analogy, I suppose.
To answer questions, Robert will decide who the winner('s) are.
Prize = Site banishment for insulting the editor. Honestly did you think posting that comment was a good idea????
Greetings, my Theme Park No-lifers --
Y'know, as i sit here sipping my seventh or so scotch (tenth, if ya ask the wife, but what does she kno; am i right? LOL), I think to myself: "what the hell are all these LOSERS doing with there lifes?"
i mean seriously, you peopel talk about theme parks like their your life partners! go out sometime and maybe youll love something with legs instead of wheels.
i mean dont get me wrong, i love having legions of bloggers kissing my butt everyday. seriously, when was the last time one of you dweebs disagreed with me! i could come in tomorow and say that "'Shmuck and Roll's Drive 'em Buggies' are a revolution in creative development", and Iris, Brian, anthony, Justin, James, and all the rest of the Peanuts galery would say, "hey, robert, yer absolutely right" and BOOM - TPI Award for Best New attraction 2009. come on, youre worshipping ME! AN ADMITTED MATH AND COMPUTER GEEK. so, to correspond with my new feeligns towards you TPIs, i'm makin a few site changes.
first, those punk Walker brothers are banned. period. i hate there smart alec discussion topics. Here's a theme park scenario i'd like to see: you guys forced to a lifetime of orlando heat without any sunscreen.
Second, you may have noticed i disabled the spell and grammer checker to make things more interesting. i mean, this is a site about theme parks. THEME PARKS. you know, overweight yahoos on scooters eating deep fried hot dogs while experiencing mind-numbingly dumb thrill rides. this isnt 'the economist', folks.
third, all foreign and small town parks are out. finished. i mean, this is america, land of the free and home of the mega theme park conglomerates that dwarf your pathetic little petting farms. "thorpe park" - what kind of lame name is that?
fourth, i'm sick of feel-good stories and magical gatherings and all that crap. mega jumbo coasters - that's the ticket. from now on, theme park insider will be known as "Cedar Point Dicsussion", a fanbase for the undisputed best park in the universe.
thats it for now - my drink runs dry. oh anbd by the way, put two and two together - why havent i banned that jake rivers character from TPI? HE'S MY SON, you fools! don't ya get it! the "Nile" is a "River"! come on! and you babies cry every time lil' Robert comes on and ticks you off. he's the only persobn with half a brain on this forsaken mess of a site.
well, i gotta go
oh yeah - for all you old timers wondering whatever happenned to Kevin Baxter - take the magic kingdom behind the scenes tour with me - i'll show you where I buried him on Tom Sawyer's Island.
ciao, suckers. i'm gonna go play my violin. unlike you, it can hold an inteligent conversation.
-- robert "Ol' Man Rivers" Niles
I'm not cruel! (much)
Keep the peace(es).
And what the hell is wrong with the Shmuck and Roll's Drive 'em Buggies???? Oh, you are too cruel, Josh!
And from the desk of Robert Niles: "...hic...now, two bottles of scotch and one bottle of southern comfort later....hic....I can finally exact my revenge...hic...just needb to puzh thid buton....hic...then....Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....."
Also, you forgot yourself in the Peanuts Gallery Josh!
And I would never agree to those tuck and roll buggies being anything larger than a 4.
Yeah, I could have included myself in the gallery, but I don't like self-nods in my work.
I don't want to rush you but I like you to pick winners soon please. Adrian and myself are on a bit of a tight schedule.
ps. Thanks for letting us post this, I was worried we had gone too far on this scenario.
Walt Disney World's Magic Kingdom
Disney's Animal Kingdom
Disney's Hollywood Studios
Disney California Adventure
Universal's Islands of Adventure
Universal Studios Florida
Universal Studios Hollywood