Theme Park Scenarios We’d Like To See: Part NineToday's topic is: 'Things Robert Niles would never say'
From Adrian WalkerHello TPI’s!
Posted July 15, 2008 at 10:58 AM
Well, Mark and me are about to set off to Orlando for another festival of circus style disasters on an epic scale of incompetence. Should be awesome, but for now, here is another of TPI’s favorite comedy threads.
This topic may seem slightly controversial, but we’d assume not everyone on the site is politically correct. If you think this is bad, wait for the next thread in the series!
Today’s topic is: ‘Things Robert Niles would never say’
Comments in chronological order. Most recent at the bottom. Scroll down to respond.
From hannah callerOOH look a brit wearing sun cream!!! (i still remember that sunburned brits comment!!!)
Posted July 15, 2008 at 1:09 PM
"please oh please can you post more suggestions on the tpi improvements discussion"!!!
From James RaoNice ones, Hannah!
Posted July 15, 2008 at 6:30 PM
Here's one, that is almost too easy: "I wish I had a few more posters with the passion and enthusiasm of Jake Rivers!"
From Donna Tolliver-Walker"I can't deny it any longer! Give me thrills over theming! Higher, higher ... faster, faster! ... Bigger IS better!!!"
Posted July 15, 2008 at 6:56 PM
From Donna Tolliver-WalkerSorry, one more along the same lines:
Posted July 15, 2008 at 7:16 PM
"All a park REALLY needs is plenty of concrete and steel!"
From Anthony MurphyTom Sawyer's island is overrated and those cast members are lazy
Posted July 15, 2008 at 9:09 PM
From Robert NilesYou realize, of course, that I cannot post in this thread without creating a paradox.
Posted July 16, 2008 at 10:42 AM
Whoops, too late. So much for the space/time continuum....
From Justin SpistoJake Rivers is my absoulte favorite poster, for I am a Cedar Point fanboy.
Posted July 16, 2008 at 12:15 PM
From Ben JamesI couldn't resist this time.
Posted July 16, 2008 at 1:34 PM
From Scottland JacobsonOMG - I can't think of anything to post because Justin has me laughing so hard over the Jake comment!!
Posted July 16, 2008 at 4:39 PM
How 'bout this..."Three 5-star restaurants (in my opinion) open at Six Flags Discovery Kingdom."
From brian lochridge"Dan Snyder will be remembered as the most influential theme park owner in History".
Posted July 17, 2008 at 6:55 AM
"I love Spam"
From Don Neal"This website sucks, no one even uses it. I am off to start a new website on culinary arts influenced by pre-school snack time."
Posted July 17, 2008 at 8:14 AM
From Jeff MOK, I'll give this a shot? Please Mr. Niles NO disrespect intended! Thanks for creating a great website.
Posted July 17, 2008 at 11:02 AM
Here it goes.....
My name is Robert Niles and not Rob, Robbie, or Bob to you lesser than me Theme Park want-to-be's! Yes, I have worked for what most consider the best Theme Park Company in the World (see my bio), but that just wasn't enough for me! Working there also taught me nothing! Especially having to deal with all those tourist type people! Walt Disney knows nothing!!!
I got no attention like I expected, so I decided to start this website. Yes, I have got more attention now, but I'm still not satisfied. Do you people not realize I have worked for several MAJOR newspapers and websites??? I now plan to team up with Mr. Jake Rivers and become the Theme Park GOD you all will realize I am !!!
From Robert NilesI thought this was supposed to be things I would *not* say... ;-)
Posted July 17, 2008 at 1:22 PM
Do I get to pick the winner at the end?
From Jeff MLet's hope you would NOT say or think such things! Ha ha.....
Posted July 17, 2008 at 1:35 PM
Winner??? Well, as for me it is your site, so choose accordingly if you'd like?
What prize does the winner receive? Your good graces for ever??? :)
How could I refuse then.......count me in!
From Ben MillsI had a wonderful Niles-quote in mind, discrediting the statistical worth of this competition by deriding its reliance on qualitative values, but alas, not the brains or stats-smarts to pull it off without making myself look a little ignorant of such matters.
Posted July 18, 2008 at 3:57 PM
Alternatively, we could just put it in the form of a baseball analogy, I suppose.
From Adrian WalkerApologies for the late response, however our internet has been out since we arrived at our stay over place in Florida.
Posted July 24, 2008 at 6:36 PM
To answer questions, Robert will decide who the winner('s) are.
Prize = Site banishment for insulting the editor. Honestly did you think posting that comment was a good idea????
From Joshua CounsilA message from your editor and leader:
Posted July 25, 2008 at 8:35 PM
Greetings, my Theme Park No-lifers --
Y'know, as i sit here sipping my seventh or so scotch (tenth, if ya ask the wife, but what does she kno; am i right? LOL), I think to myself: "what the hell are all these LOSERS doing with there lifes?"
i mean dont get me wrong, i love having legions of bloggers kissing my butt everyday. seriously, when was the last time one of you dweebs disagreed with me! i could come in tomorow and say that "'Shmuck and Roll's Drive 'em Buggies' are a revolution in creative development", and Iris, Brian, anthony, Justin, James, and all the rest of the Peanuts galery would say, "hey, robert, yer absolutely right" and BOOM - TPI Award for Best New attraction 2009. come on, youre worshipping ME! AN ADMITTED MATH AND COMPUTER GEEK. so, to correspond with my new feeligns towards you TPIs, i'm makin a few site changes.
first, those punk Walker brothers are banned. period. i hate there smart alec discussion topics. Here's a theme park scenario i'd like to see: you guys forced to a lifetime of orlando heat without any sunscreen.
Second, you may have noticed i disabled the spell and grammer checker to make things more interesting. i mean, this is a site about theme parks. THEME PARKS. you know, overweight yahoos on scooters eating deep fried hot dogs while experiencing mind-numbingly dumb thrill rides. this isnt 'the economist', folks.
third, all foreign and small town parks are out. finished. i mean, this is america, land of the free and home of the mega theme park conglomerates that dwarf your pathetic little petting farms. "thorpe park" - what kind of lame name is that?
fourth, i'm sick of feel-good stories and magical gatherings and all that crap. mega jumbo coasters - that's the ticket. from now on, theme park insider will be known as "Cedar Point Dicsussion", a fanbase for the undisputed best park in the universe.
thats it for now - my drink runs dry. oh anbd by the way, put two and two together - why havent i banned that jake rivers character from TPI? HE'S MY SON, you fools! don't ya get it! the "Nile" is a "River"! come on! and you babies cry every time lil' Robert comes on and ticks you off. he's the only persobn with half a brain on this forsaken mess of a site.
well, i gotta go
oh yeah - for all you old timers wondering whatever happenned to Kevin Baxter - take the magic kingdom behind the scenes tour with me - i'll show you where I buried him on Tom Sawyer's Island.
ciao, suckers. i'm gonna go play my violin. unlike you, it can hold an inteligent conversation.
-- robert "Ol' Man Rivers" Niles
From Bruce Lane"It's a Small World After All, It's a Small World After All..." (ad infinitum)
Posted July 26, 2008 at 1:08 AM
I'm not cruel! (much)
Keep the peace(es).
From James RaoI already knew about the Niles/Rivers link, Josh....but the "he's my son angle" is new to me. I thought it was just his pseudonym, not his kid. Interesting tidbit....AND very funny!
Posted July 26, 2008 at 5:41 AM
And what the hell is wrong with the Shmuck and Roll's Drive 'em Buggies???? Oh, you are too cruel, Josh!
And from the desk of Robert Niles: "...hic...now, two bottles of scotch and one bottle of southern comfort later....hic....I can finally exact my revenge...hic...just needb to puzh thid buton....hic...then....Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....."
From Anthony MurphyI wonder what ever happened to Erik Yates........
Posted July 26, 2008 at 6:25 AM
Also, you forgot yourself in the Peanuts Gallery Josh!
And I would never agree to those tuck and roll buggies being anything larger than a 4.
From Joshua CounsilI'm starting to think I was eight scotches in when I wrote that.
Posted July 26, 2008 at 1:13 PM
Yeah, I could have included myself in the gallery, but I don't like self-nods in my work.
From Adrian Walker'I've edited the accident watch section of the site. From now on, you can only submit accidents that have hilarious results. The more deaths, the better!'
Posted July 26, 2008 at 1:30 PM
From Mark Walker'I'm going to take my wife and kids to Thorpe Park this year!'
Posted August 8, 2008 at 3:25 AM
From Mark WalkerLast notice Robert for picking winners. We're gonna be uploading the next scenario.
Posted August 14, 2008 at 5:04 AM
From Eli Katzman"Who needs family? I'm up for the THRILLS!!!"
Posted August 14, 2008 at 9:08 AM
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