Theme Park Apprentice - James Koehl has recently signed a million dollar per year contract with Dubai International to develop theme parks. When asked about the contract, James stated, "I didn’t really care about the competition, I was only competing to see if there was anyone out there talented enough to even fetch my coffee. While Jeff is a nice guy, he really doesn’t have the brains of a dead monkey. That idea that he beat me with was not bad, though. I sent him $5 in loose change for the park concept in a postage due envelope to take it. With my powers of ride creation, it will be much better than anything he could have come up with. Now that I am in control of the amusement site in Dubai, I am planning on creating several rides specifically for teenagers that crush them down into tiny cubes....junkyard style." After that James went into a long maniacal laugh and was later admitted to a hospital after getting a sour ball wedged in his throat. James is recovering well and should be discharged from the hospital sometime tomorrow...
Disney Corporation - While SeaWorld made their excuses and Universal thumbed their nose at everyone, Disney has started making their own excuses to their investors. Apparently they are spending close to a billion dollars on "NextGen" technology. How "NextGen" works is that it scours the internet looks for defamatory remarks by websites and automatically hacks the system and changes the remark to something that the executives want the public to hear. For example, if I were to say "Disney spends too much on rides", nothing would happen because they know that the word has leaked out. But if I were to say "Mickey is a WONDERFUL ICON OF ONE OF THE MOST BELOVED COMPANIES IN THE WORLD who couldn’t HELP BUT BE THE MOST LOVABLE MOUSE EVER and if YOU WANT A GREAT TIME COME TO ORLANDO WHERE THE MICKEY AND HIS LOVABLE COMPANIONS WILL MAKE YOUR DAY MAGICAL IN A WAY THAT ONLY DISNEY CAN flinging all over the place." The system would spot this supposed slander to the Mouse and fix it automatically. The system is currently testing and a full roll out is planned in the near future after the bugs are fixed.
Darien Lake - Apparently it doesn’t matter who is in charge at Darien Lake. Ride of Steel is going to be closed for the remainder of the season. I had a feeling about that when I went to Darien Lake’s sister park Elitch Gardens and it was just as crappy as ever. It sounds like someone needs to buy James Koehl out of his contract with Dubai and get him to work locally...
Disney & Verizon - The overpriced and limited plan cell phone company has ironically joined forces with the limited availability and EVERYONE LOVES DISNEY company to release a new cell phone app. Using GPS, the app is able to identify the location of other guests, check on attractions wait times, find nearby characters, find your car, locate the nearest restroom after first directing you to the nearest pin trading station, as well as locating weak structural points, finding secluded places to DISNEY IS A FAMILY FRIENDLY PARK your partner, and places to BOB IGER IS A GENIUS with the park wide vacuum system.
Six Flags Magic Mountain - It is official, the Deja vu roller coaster is being removed from the park, reducing Magic Mountain down to a tie with Cedar Point for most roller coasters. A spokesperson for Cedar Point said, "We were never concerned, if they could keep more than three rollers coasters open at any given time, we’d be surprised. We didn’t realize that the title could be won with rides that weren’t even working. If that is the case, then technically we have 30 roller coasters and never lost the coaster crown in the first place, since we have pieces of the old roller coasters in a display cabinet somewhere." While Magic Mountain refused to comment officially, off the record they said, "You know what? You can tell Cedar Point that they can eat my DISNEY IS THE GREATEST THEME PARK IN THE WORLD with mustard."
Six Flags Over Georgia - The park is looking for people to scare guests for their Halloween event in October. My question for them is have they looked around at their customer service reps and ride operators?
DISNEYWORLD - DISNEY IS GREAT. WE ALL LOVE MICKEY MOUSE. GOOFY. DONALD. MINNIE. WALT IS THE BEST PERSON EVER BORN. DISNEYLAND DISNEYLAND DISNEYLAND DISNEYLAND. WIZARDS ARE A FAD. MICKEY IS FOREVER. MICKEY MICKEY MICKEY. THE MOUSE CAN DO NO WRONG. GOOFY GOOFY GOOFY. YOU LIKE REALLY EXPENSIVE THEME PARKS. DONALD DONALD DONALD. JOHN LASSETER COULD MAKE A WORLD CLASS ATTRACTION WITH A HAM SANDWICH AND 200 MILLION DOLLARS. DISNEY WORLD DISNEY WORLD DISNEY WORLD.
Create My Caption - In the discussion thread below, post your best caption(s) for the following picture showing the dark side of EVERY KID WANTS TO GO TO DISNEYWORLD.
If I have missed anything (and I have, so no worries there) please post below. If you have some inside information, more news, more rumors, first rides, please share with the rest of us.
Sources: Screamscape, Amusement Today, and whatever else I happened to read this week...
THE MOUSE OWNS YOU AND YOU LOVE IT....BUY MORE PLUSH....PARK HOPPER PASSES ARE WONDERFUL.....
Lame, I know. I couldn't help it...
Nothing really new on the 2012 coaster. They appear to still be pouring footers. Also HoS construction has started. Update with pictures is over on the BGWfans.com front page.
I appreciate your comment.....I have a lot of fun doing this....
If news is covered other places on this site, I usually shy away from it unless I have something sarcastic to say about it.....
.....while this started off as a method to deliver news in a fun way, it is becoming apparent that this is more about humor than the news, even though it uses the news as a starting point....also I usually don't like rubbing people's noses in the fact that the internet knew about stuff well before it became official, like in the case of Cedar Point....unless I am in one of those moods....
....If I wasn't writing it myself, I would sometimes have a tough time figuring out where the news ends and the humor begins....
Oreo, anyone?
If you want your news without the personality....it would be best to go right to the sources: Screamscape and Amusement Today
I find it more than a bit ironic that the week where the general consesus is that this is one of the better ones I have posted, we also get someone saying they hate it.....oh well....it keeps my head from swelling to the point of exploding and making a mess.....I don't have any intention on changing the format, though....
