Last Week At Your Amusement Park......August 22A digest of amusement park news and rumors...and a couple of rants...with a sense of humor...
From Jeff ElliottSeaWorld Orlando - After taking a thorough beating from Universal and Disney, SeaWorld is lowering their entrance fee. In addition to lowering their prices, SeaWorld is building a new attraction with animatronic sea creatures that savage their animatronic trainers. "That seems to be the only thing that people care about," stated an anonymous source at the theme park. Other ideas that were floated around the board room were a simulator ride with Shamu flying around doing magic and a Disco Coaster where Shamu would take a swipe at the riders for a couple of weeks before sitting there stupidly as a mannequin for the rest of the ride’s lifetime. Does anyone even know where this park is?
Posted August 22, 2011 at 1:45 PM
Theme Park Apprentice - James Koehl has recently signed a million dollar per year contract with Dubai International to develop theme parks. When asked about the contract, James stated, "I didn’t really care about the competition, I was only competing to see if there was anyone out there talented enough to even fetch my coffee. While Jeff is a nice guy, he really doesn’t have the brains of a dead monkey. That idea that he beat me with was not bad, though. I sent him $5 in loose change for the park concept in a postage due envelope to take it. With my powers of ride creation, it will be much better than anything he could have come up with. Now that I am in control of the amusement site in Dubai, I am planning on creating several rides specifically for teenagers that crush them down into tiny cubes....junkyard style." After that James went into a long maniacal laugh and was later admitted to a hospital after getting a sour ball wedged in his throat. James is recovering well and should be discharged from the hospital sometime tomorrow...
Disney Corporation - While SeaWorld made their excuses and Universal thumbed their nose at everyone, Disney has started making their own excuses to their investors. Apparently they are spending close to a billion dollars on "NextGen" technology. How "NextGen" works is that it scours the internet looks for defamatory remarks by websites and automatically hacks the system and changes the remark to something that the executives want the public to hear. For example, if I were to say "Disney spends too much on rides", nothing would happen because they know that the word has leaked out. But if I were to say "Mickey is a WONDERFUL ICON OF ONE OF THE MOST BELOVED COMPANIES IN THE WORLD who couldn’t HELP BUT BE THE MOST LOVABLE MOUSE EVER and if YOU WANT A GREAT TIME COME TO ORLANDO WHERE THE MICKEY AND HIS LOVABLE COMPANIONS WILL MAKE YOUR DAY MAGICAL IN A WAY THAT ONLY DISNEY CAN flinging all over the place." The system would spot this supposed slander to the Mouse and fix it automatically. The system is currently testing and a full roll out is planned in the near future after the bugs are fixed.
Darien Lake - Apparently it doesn’t matter who is in charge at Darien Lake. Ride of Steel is going to be closed for the remainder of the season. I had a feeling about that when I went to Darien Lake’s sister park Elitch Gardens and it was just as crappy as ever. It sounds like someone needs to buy James Koehl out of his contract with Dubai and get him to work locally...
Disney & Verizon - The overpriced and limited plan cell phone company has ironically joined forces with the limited availability and EVERYONE LOVES DISNEY company to release a new cell phone app. Using GPS, the app is able to identify the location of other guests, check on attractions wait times, find nearby characters, find your car, locate the nearest restroom after first directing you to the nearest pin trading station, as well as locating weak structural points, finding secluded places to DISNEY IS A FAMILY FRIENDLY PARK your partner, and places to BOB IGER IS A GENIUS with the park wide vacuum system.
Six Flags Magic Mountain - It is official, the Deja vu roller coaster is being removed from the park, reducing Magic Mountain down to a tie with Cedar Point for most roller coasters. A spokesperson for Cedar Point said, "We were never concerned, if they could keep more than three rollers coasters open at any given time, we’d be surprised. We didn’t realize that the title could be won with rides that weren’t even working. If that is the case, then technically we have 30 roller coasters and never lost the coaster crown in the first place, since we have pieces of the old roller coasters in a display cabinet somewhere." While Magic Mountain refused to comment officially, off the record they said, "You know what? You can tell Cedar Point that they can eat my DISNEY IS THE GREATEST THEME PARK IN THE WORLD with mustard."
Six Flags Over Georgia - The park is looking for people to scare guests for their Halloween event in October. My question for them is have they looked around at their customer service reps and ride operators?
DISNEYWORLD - DISNEY IS GREAT. WE ALL LOVE MICKEY MOUSE. GOOFY. DONALD. MINNIE. WALT IS THE BEST PERSON EVER BORN. DISNEYLAND DISNEYLAND DISNEYLAND DISNEYLAND. WIZARDS ARE A FAD. MICKEY IS FOREVER. MICKEY MICKEY MICKEY. THE MOUSE CAN DO NO WRONG. GOOFY GOOFY GOOFY. YOU LIKE REALLY EXPENSIVE THEME PARKS. DONALD DONALD DONALD. JOHN LASSETER COULD MAKE A WORLD CLASS ATTRACTION WITH A HAM SANDWICH AND 200 MILLION DOLLARS. DISNEY WORLD DISNEY WORLD DISNEY WORLD.
If I have missed anything (and I have, so no worries there) please post below. If you have some inside information, more news, more rumors, first rides, please share with the rest of us.
Sources: Screamscape, Amusement Today, and whatever else I happened to read this week...
THE MOUSE OWNS YOU AND YOU LOVE IT....BUY MORE PLUSH....PARK HOPPER PASSES ARE WONDERFUL.....
Comments in chronological order. Most recent at the bottom. Scroll down to respond.
From Jeff ElliottI have been trying to post this for like 20 minutes and weird things happen to it....very strange.....well to heck with it.....I guess you guys get it as is.....I don't have any more time to mess with it and the content keeps changing on me....even the picture was supposed to be someone getting arrested at Disneyland......I'll try again next week....
Posted August 22, 2011 at 1:39 PM
From Tony DudaCaption- Mickey, you better stop sniffing around that little WALT DISNEY WORLD IS THE MOST MAGICAL PLACE ON EARTH!!!!!
Posted August 22, 2011 at 3:36 PM
From James KoehlJeff,it's me,James. I got into the nursing station computer- I will get you for this. I know you're behind me getting sent here, and I'll get you for this. I made you- I gave you all your good ideas- you'll never get anywhere, ANYWHERE without me pushing you, feeding you ideas- I'll break you! When I get out of here,I'll....what, wait..(someone's coming)...no,No,NO!! LET ME GO!! I'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE! JEFF, I'LL GET YOU IF IT'S THE LA......
Posted August 22, 2011 at 4:50 PM
From Alan HiscuttFirst Loved the post, secondly, Kudos to all you who joined in with the jokes. After a really crappy day thus far this made me crack the first smile of the day. Thank you!!
Posted August 23, 2011 at 3:30 AM
From Christy HallCaption: Say CHEESE! Wait, Mickey ... NO, that's not really cheese!
Posted August 23, 2011 at 6:00 AM
Lame, I know. I couldn't help it...
From Mark MigliaccioBGW update: As most of you know already Mach Tower opened after 3 months of delays, just in time for the last 2 days of Illuminights. Illuminights ended sunday night. Apparently Mach Tower will be an observation tower for Christmastown. So rotating up and down with no dropping.
Posted August 23, 2011 at 9:14 AM
Nothing really new on the 2012 coaster. They appear to still be pouring footers. Also HoS construction has started. Update with pictures is over on the BGWfans.com front page.
From Daniel EtcheberryCaption: Hey Mickey, stop staring at her bra!
Posted August 23, 2011 at 11:36 AM
From Jeff ElliottCaption: Yes, I see that you brushed your teeth....now go to bed....
Posted August 23, 2011 at 1:03 PM
From Bob MillerI love these and i apprecaite very much that you do them. However you missed the Big Canada's Wonderland annoucement. Also Cedar Point made their annoucment this week as well
Posted August 23, 2011 at 6:30 PM
From Jeff Elliott@ Bob
Posted August 24, 2011 at 6:24 AM
I appreciate your comment.....I have a lot of fun doing this....
If news is covered other places on this site, I usually shy away from it unless I have something sarcastic to say about it.....
.....while this started off as a method to deliver news in a fun way, it is becoming apparent that this is more about humor than the news, even though it uses the news as a starting point....also I usually don't like rubbing people's noses in the fact that the internet knew about stuff well before it became official, like in the case of Cedar Point....unless I am in one of those moods....
....If I wasn't writing it myself, I would sometimes have a tough time figuring out where the news ends and the humor begins....
From Mike GallagherCaption:
Posted August 24, 2011 at 8:37 AM
From Jack CurleyYour best post yet, Jeff. I hope you keep the NextGen gag running (when it suits your interests, at least).
Posted August 24, 2011 at 11:31 AM
From Barbara SimsI actually like to read about park updates and this didn't include any. Just a bunch of stupid, unfunny cynicism.
Posted August 26, 2011 at 6:41 AM
From Jeff ElliottYep.....pretty much.....but some people seem to like it....
Posted August 26, 2011 at 7:00 AM
I find it more than a bit ironic that the week where the general consesus is that this is one of the better ones I have posted, we also get someone saying they hate it.....oh well....it keeps my head from swelling to the point of exploding and making a mess.....I don't have any intention on changing the format, though....
From Kelly MuggletonDon't ever change Jeff... Reading your weekly updates at work makes the day much more fun!
Posted August 26, 2011 at 8:03 AM
From Tony DudaJeff, Leave word with your family post a photo after your head explodes and makes a mess so we can caption it.
Posted August 26, 2011 at 10:32 AM
From Jeff ElliottWhat would the caption be? Caption: Gesundheit!
Posted August 26, 2011 at 11:20 AM
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