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Last Week At Your Amusement Park......August 29

A sarcasm of sarcastic news and sarcasm...and a couple of sarcastics...with a sense of sarcasm...

From Jeff Elliott
Posted August 29, 2011 at 1:12 PM
Six Flags Great Adventure - Apparently there have been numerous Facebook and Twitter reports about Kingda Ka falling over in the force of Hurricane Irene. While I would not object to all of New Jersey being wiped out, let's just pause for a moment and consider the source of the news that you are reading. Facebook and Twitter have never been the pinnacle of authoritative news sources. Rumors?....sure. Lies?.....of course, that is what it is for. But if you want real news, you need to go directly to a news source like Theme Park Insider and in particular this news column for accurate information...and we can assure you that Kingda Ka is still standing. On a different note, something that I have noticed out of this is how delicate the people on the East Coast of this country are. Californians don’t even look up from their Blackberries and lattes unless the earthquake is pushing the heck out of a 9.2. The Gulf Coast states took double dip hurricanes without issues and then destroyed their own levies when the insurance companies didn’t look like they were going to pay out enough. The people in the Mid-West go outside and film tornados that are bearing down on them. But the people on the East Coast are apparently of a much more delicate composition than the rest of the people in the country. To be honest, it probably comes down to the history of the nation....the people on the East Coast were too lazy to get off the couch and explore the rest of the country. If it was up to them, they would have sold the rest of the country for a box of bon-bons and book of interesting places they will never visit for their coffee table. Here is an idea: go to www.handholders.org and schedule a time for the volunteers to come by and hold your hand....crying on their shoulder costs extra.

Six Flags Fiesta Texas - The park is going to be sued because Tweety Bird can’t keep his opinions to himself. Yeah, this one is to you, East Coast people!

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Disneyworld - Speaking of lazy people (and good news sources), Disney is rolling out a new program where people can now pay to have someone else go to the park for them with a video camera mounted on them so that shut-in people from the East Coast can now experience the park. People paying for this service will have live access to their avatar walking through the park for them and can tell them what rides to go on, what souvenirs to buy, what shows to see, etc. Once the day is over the person getting paid to roam the park will ship off all of the souvenirs and other park perks to the person paying for the service as well as a couple of DVD’s (Blu-Rays are extra) showing the video recorded for the day. There are extra fees involved if you need the avatar to vomit, take extra bathroom breaks, or try to leave the park early.

SeaWorld Florida - While not confirmed at this point, there are early rumors about SeaWorld installing a new Penguin Plaza with a penguin restaurant attached to it. I have always wondered if penguins taste like chicken. Hopefully it will serve is a dire warning to the rest of the animals in the park who think it is a good idea attack their trainers.

Dollywood - By the time we get to next week’s article, Dollywood will have just made their announcement for their 2012 ride. Here’s what we know so far: it will be a blue B&M coaster. Hopefully the coaster is themed to the two large fake mountains sitting right next to each other that Dolly Parton has always rumored that the park was going to get.

Thorpe Park - Actual news article: "Two dwarves attempted to gain access to the Thorpe Park ride Stealth with one standing on the other's shoulders. The crafty pair attempted to ride Thorpe Park's Stealth rollercoaster while wearing a long trenchcoat while one stood on top of the other, but the minimum height restriction is 1.4 metres. Mike Vallis, Divisional Director at Thorpe Park, explained "Our suspicions were aroused when we spotted a rather unsteady looking chap in a long raincoat queuing up to ride Stealth." As someone who does these types of "news" articles, I can't tell if I am being put on or not...

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Kentucky Kingdom - Looks like an investor has stepped up to the plate with $20 million. Now if the investor will be smart enough to sit back and watch Ed Hart built his park again.

Universal Hollywood - I don’t know if anyone caught this when I posted it on a different thread, so I will repost here.....sorry about all of the product placement, it really is quite interesting. Do yourself a favor and skip to the 1:30 mark and then turn it off once you see dancing ladies.....this will save you from quite a lot of self-aggrandizing and the aforementioned product placement...while cutting the movie down to about 5 minutes...

Dade City’s Wild Things - For people living in Central Florida who have already been on all of the rides in both Orlando and Tampa, have already been swimming with the dolphins and manatees and have been out in the ocean to try and play the "look-at-the-boney-sausage-in-a-wetsuit-bun" game with the sharks....and have no thrills left to do, have I got a new thrill for you. Wild Things, for the next six weeks, is allowing people to swim with the tigers. Not tiger sharks, actual tigers, Siberian tigers actually. For $200 you get 30 minutes with the tigers. The way it works is that they tie a piece of meat to you and give you a thirty second head start before they release the tigers. One person who recently swam with the tigers said, "It was a wonderful full-workout experience, I was finding muscles I never thought I had before. It is so easy to not take every workout seriously but when you have tigers right behind you, you can always find a little bit of extra effort." Another patron had this to say about the attraction, "Aaaaaarrrrrgggghhhh, my DISNEY IS THE GREATEST PARK IN THE WORLD leg!!" Go to www.dadecityswildthings.com for more information and locations of nearby trauma centers.

Carowinds - The park is adding a WindSeeker!! Woo Hoo!! Hey...wait a minute......


Create My Caption - In the discussion thread below, post your best caption(s) for the following picture (or any of the other pictures for that matter) showing the picture I tried to post last week before that "NextGen" stuff "fixed" it for me.

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If I have missed anything (and I have, so no worries there) please post below. If you have some inside information, more news, more rumors, first rides, please share with the rest of us.

Sources: Screamscape, Amusement Today, and whatever else I happened to read this week...


Comments in chronological order. Most recent at the bottom. Scroll down to respond.

From Mike Gallagher
Posted August 30, 2011 at 6:17 AM
Caption (from an East Coaster, incidentally)

I'M the only one that gets to do THAT to Minnie, buddy!!!

And I previously saw the Tweety thing. My favorite part was a park rep saying something to the effect of, "He COULDN'T have been giving her the middle finger.He only has four. There's no MIDDLE one!"

From James Koehl
Posted August 29, 2011 at 2:19 PM
Don't hold back, Jeff. How sarcastic do you REALLY feel today? If I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying to get more complaints this week about being sarcastic. Like ANYBODY would find this week's column sarcastic! ;+)

From Jeff Elliott
Posted August 29, 2011 at 5:02 PM
After the comment last week, I just wanted everyone to know where I stand......

From Derek Potter
Posted August 30, 2011 at 8:00 PM
Wouldn't it be fitting if the new Dollywood coaster was themed to Dolly's "mountains"

From Jeff Elliott
Posted August 31, 2011 at 8:59 AM
Caption: Yeah, I'll get up....I was only down here hoping the hot blond cop would give me CPR...

From James Rao
Posted August 31, 2011 at 2:59 PM
Couple of tidbits that have passed under the radar (and for good reason, probably):

The Great Movie Ride at Disney’s Hollywood Studios will get some lighting upgrades [because that's the problem with this outdated attraction - improper lighting]. These upgrades should not cause any downtime and will be completed by December.

Rumor has it [thanks, Reba] that Epcot's Test Track will close for renovation early in 2012 and remain closed at least until summer. Rumors further suggest that the renovations will include additional theming, a new narrative, new vehicles, as well as some next gen tech and interactive queue elements [the implementation of characters from the CARS movies is NOT part of the plans]. Most likely, there will be some track resurfacing and vehicle replacements, but that's about it. Still, one can hope.

Finally, the underwhelming Journey into Narnia "attraction" at DHS is rumored to be closing on September 10th. Granted the movie came and went several years ago, but apparently crowd capacity issues coupled with a less than optimum number of attractions at the Studios have kept Narnia open well beyond its lifespan. No word on a replacement yet, but even if Disney just had some timely movie previews, it would be a MUCH better attraction. Heck, even if the thing just closes with no replacement, it will be a MUCH better attraction!

CAPTION: "Now that the drugs are wearing off I feel like a complete idiot!"

From Mike Gallagher
Posted September 1, 2011 at 6:27 AM
With all these 2012 ride and attraction announcements this week from Cedar Fair and Six Flags...Jeff's column next week may take up the whole darn site!!!

From Jeff Elliott
Posted September 1, 2011 at 7:06 AM
**whimper**

From Barbara Sims
Posted September 1, 2011 at 7:10 AM
Good park update James!

From James Koehl
Posted September 1, 2011 at 7:14 AM
Jeff, you'd better start writing, but please don't let your buddy Ranting Henry help. It's hard to translate from his Spanish, or Esperanto, or whatever combination of languages he uses.

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