From the Trenches of Amusement……May 15, 2012

An attempt at news….fortified with your daily allowance of snark….

From Jeff Elliott
Posted May 16, 2012 at 7:02 AM
75 years ago someone very important was born or something was created on this day that went on to revolutionize the world. I haven’t a clue what it is or who it was because my production assistant is lying out in the grass in front of the building shredding dandelions and trying to talk to squirrels. It looks like we are going to have to make an effort to move forward without them. If for some reason I make a mistake this week, I would be more than happy to forward your criticism to my production assistant personally.

Note: Keep in mind that this is a humor article, if you want dry news, do the research and figure it out on your own…..we aim to amuse here…..if you have questions about what part is news and what part is humor, please feel free to ask in the talkback below……I may or may not answer…..but some of the other readers may set you straight…..


California Adventure – We are hearing rumors that Cars Land may soft open on June 5 with the park closed for a whole park press preview on June 14 and the grand opening on June 15. We are also hearing rumors that Cars Land is scheduled for a long maintenance window starting on June 21st and staying closed until sometime around the middle of December, where it will be opened for the holiday crowd before being closed permanently and converted in the Incredibles Land. The Mad T Party will open on June 15 and stay open to handle the crowds that show up to gawk at the maintenance on Cars Land.

Spain – The government in Valencia, Spain, is in talks to try and get a copy of Ferrari World built. With as many people as are going to Ferrari World right now, maybe their plan is to have the park built in France to keep tourist out of there.

Hottest Park of the Week – This honor goes to Adventure City in California for burning down one of their snack stands.

Universal Studios Japan – The biggest news of the last week is USJ jumping into Pottermania and inking a deal to get their Hogwarts open two years before Hollywood does……which goes to show that the schools in Japan do a much better job than their counterparts in California.

Silver Dollar City – The new roller coaster going in is to be called Outlaw. Which is interesting because the name is already in use. Maybe they will adjust the name so they can get a trademark on it. Maybe: Almost Outlaw, Outlaw’s Outlaw, The Better Outlaw, Outlaw in Training, Outlaw: The Coaster, Outlaw: Dead and Loving It, Outlaw in Tights, Outlaw Baby, Outlaw 2.0, Outlaw: The Adventure Continues, or Don’t Mess With Me I’m an Outlaw.

Canada’s Wonderland – The Windseeker is having issues……big surprise there.

Six Flags Discovery Kingdom – Superman: Ultimate Flight – I don’t normally mention construction videos but this one is priceless with not Tom %$&^^%$ Brokaw getting into a 20 minute debate with himself about what the gift shop is going to look like. And if you can deal with the tacky blue screen effect, you can actually see some renegade video of the supports going up.

Busch Gardens Williamsburg – Verbolten has soft opened…..and guests are still wondering why Big Bad Wolf was torn down.

Six Flags Great America – X-Flight is now open, the first, no, the second, no, the third winged coaster with half the theming. So if you hate theming as much as I do, book your flight right now for Chicago and get on this coaster.

Disney’s Magic Kingdom – Snow White is in her last days. Apparently, just like Michael Jackson, she is unable to stay young enough to convince anyone that she is a young maiden, and the plastic surgery and facelifts are starting to take their toll. Get on this now before she is gone forever.

Disney’s Animal Kingdom – With Avatar still in the hopper, many changes are getting green lighted for the park, most which involve the park’s preparations to extend the hours into the night; something that will likely happen after Avatar goes in. The first major change is to the safari where they have killed the whole plot and storyline of Mr. Wilson and Little Red to be replaced with construction walls…which adds much more value to the experience. There is also a rumor that Disney is purchasing horses and black and white hair dye for a zebra exhibit.

Kings Island – According a reader of Screamscape who ran into Cedar Fair CEO Matt Ouimet at Kings Island, Son of Beast is coming down. From the way they make it sound, Kings Island is currently looking into putting a major attraction in its place with its only thought about the future of the ride being in matchsticks and firewood. Screamscape actually put forth a very good argument for not preserving the ride, recalling back to a lawsuit that was filed by Kings Island against the manufacturer talking about sub-grade lumber that was used in the support structure. According to Lance Hart, this coaster has seen its last rider and the structure should come down by the end of the year. I am wondering if it is time to just grab some marshmallows and wienies and have an “accident” that the insurance company might pay for.

Theme Park Apprentice 4: The World Around You – Signups are due to be posted sometime this weekend. Your chances of winning have just been improved as the last two winners have been yanked out of competition to be judges. Wouldn’t you love to be a fly on the wall when an argument among the judges starts over whether a ride has enough of the right kind of theming? You may need to play this like the Price is Right where the final bidder guesses $1 because they think that everyone else went over. My first week proposal is going to be a small cardboard box with the word “fun” written on the side of it.


As always, the real information in From the Trenches of Amusement is brought to you be the letters “A-T” and “S” (Amusement Today and Screamscape)

Create My Caption - In the discussion thread below, post your best caption(s) for the following picture lovingly borrowed from “F*** Yeah Face Characters”……don’t ask how I found my way to that site……although you have probably figured out by this point that I went there to thief a bunch of pictures… a whole year’s worth…..


If you know of anything I missed…..first rides, interesting trips, the whereabouts of my production assistant, or fresh smelling rumors, please post below and let us know.

From Dominick D
Posted May 15, 2012 at 12:38 PM
Caption: What the %!#& is that kid doing to the CM?!?!?!?!?

Can't wait to sign up for TPA4!

From James Koehl
Posted May 15, 2012 at 1:24 PM
Jeff wrote, "My first week proposal is going to be a small cardboard box with the word “fun” written on the side of it." Don't you mean "My first WEAK proposal..."?

From Jeff Elliott
Posted May 15, 2012 at 1:34 PM
^ Something like that....just because you kicked the crap out of me in TPA:TOC doesn't mean you need to be snippy about the whole thing....

From Tony Duda
Posted May 15, 2012 at 1:54 PM
The Cobb Salad was created at the Brown Derby restaurant 75 years ago. Maybe an Opus can be written to celebrate that.

Caption - I have nothing, but the male character looks intrigued while the female character looks frightened. I wonder what object could evoke that combination of reactions?

From Jeff Elliott
Posted May 15, 2012 at 2:05 PM
Caption: The back of the security guard's shirt had the following saying in bold lettering: "I want to shag the prince."

From Andy Milito
Posted May 15, 2012 at 2:42 PM
Can't wait for TPA4, having good feelings about this one!

From James Koehl
Posted May 15, 2012 at 2:49 PM
^Jeff, I didn't kick the crap out of you in TPA:TOC. You did that all by yourself. And before anyone jumps on this, we are doing this all in fun. I well remember Jeff beating me in the TPA3 Finals 97% to 2%. 1% of the votes were rejected as being hanging chads, and all of those were from Florida.

From James Trexen
Posted May 15, 2012 at 3:15 PM
Caption: Not everyone enjoyed Disney's announcement of the newest walk around character: Edward Scissorhands.

From Pyra-Danny V
Posted May 15, 2012 at 6:24 PM
Caption: Disney's newest show involves Princess Rapunzel as a ventriloquist dummy with her prince's hand up her...

From Mike Gallagher
Posted May 15, 2012 at 7:23 PM

"OMG!!!! I TOTALLY look like Kelly Ripa!" Those damn make-up artists! I told them I wanted the Regis Philbin look!"

From James Rao
Posted May 16, 2012 at 3:16 AM
Technically, the name Silver Dollar City trademarked is "THE Outlaw", making it "unique". Regardless, I am just glad they did not go with "The Bull" as was originally thought... too many "Get The Horns" jokes can make one weary.

For the record, I have visited Adventureland (Iowa) and ridden "Outlaw". It is a decent coaster, the best ride by far in an otherwise unremarkable stationary carnival.

From Jeff Elliott
Posted May 16, 2012 at 9:19 AM
I think an Ode to a Cobb Salad is probably a little excessive.... about a Haiku instead?

Oh, my Cobb Salad,
the only salad with bacon,
the egg gives me gas.

From Mike Gallagher
Posted May 16, 2012 at 9:26 AM
Bad haiku, Jeff. Only seven syllables allowed in the second line. You have 8. You must be punished. 10 rides on Dark Knight at GAdv. Now, away with you!

From Tony Duda
Posted May 16, 2012 at 2:44 PM
Love a Cobb Salad
All the small bits are yummy
With dressing is best

From Jeff Elliott
Posted May 17, 2012 at 6:31 AM
Oh, crap, you are right! Too funny....

In my world bacon only has one syllable as do most of the important and key foods out there like, meat, cheese, bread, and bacon.

Pronounced like “bakn”….

From Manny Rodriguez
Posted May 16, 2012 at 6:32 PM
Hey Jeff Could I join Even If I cant post pics im not a big tech guy.

From Jeff Elliott
Posted May 17, 2012 at 6:35 AM
^ I'm not sure what you are trying to join....

If you are talking about Theme Park Apprentice, you may want to wait to make that decision until the official post goes up.

And if your problem is with posting pictures, that is easy to remedy. I was personally planning on posting information on how to post pictures and how to get around the message board having problems accepting a post...not that the message boards have been too cranky for the last several months.

To answer your question more directly, pictures have never been a requirement, just highly suggested...

From Manny Rodriguez
Posted May 17, 2012 at 10:56 AM
yeah TPA, I just Need To Know R the Pics Mandatory.

From Andy Milito
Posted May 17, 2012 at 2:25 PM
^Manny, did you read ALL of Jeff's post?
"pictures have never been a requirement, just highly suggested..."

From Manny Rodriguez
Posted May 17, 2012 at 3:41 PM
Sry Just Feel Very Rushed Till TPA

From Jeff Elliott
Posted May 18, 2012 at 6:47 AM
More Cobb Salad Haiku:

The best bits of meat
Into my salad it goes
I can’t find the green

And another.....
Why is my salad
Overcome by the good stuff?
The lettuce is scared

From Tony Duda
Posted May 18, 2012 at 12:52 PM
Why is Cobb Salad
Without a cob anything
What is wrong with this

From Mike Gallagher
Posted May 18, 2012 at 1:18 PM
Maybe they mean Ty
He was a great hitter once
Detroit Tigers star

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