Just Published: Theme Park Insider: 2016 Year in Review
…..and please keep your wishes of nice weather to your @#$%^%^ self……
Note: Keep in mind that this is a humor article, if you want dry news, do the research and figure it out on your own…..we aim to amuse here…..if you have questions about what part is news and what part is humor, please feel free to ask in the talkback below……I may or may not answer…..but some of the other readers may set you straight…..
Silver Dollar City – The Outlaw – I have no idea what is in the water in Missouri, but according to the below picture it really looks like they are thinking about doing what looks here to be a zero-G roll on a wooden roller coaster. Color me extremely interested in this roller coaster now. If you look really closely at the picture you can see where mountings for a large net have been placed, and what looks to be a place for a staircase to go in. Could this just be a very fast way to unload the roller coaster?
Universal Studios Orlando – The Quest to Spend the Potter Gold – Wow…..there have been many new recent rumors at Universal Studios Orlando now that Despicable Me is open. The biggest one right now is a Scooby Doo mystery about why they are tearing down the old Hercules/Xena/Murder She Wrote building. The leading rumor has a little something something to do with Disney flush with Avengers cash trying to buy the Marvel characters out of Islands Of Adventure. What they explain the construction being is an East Coast version of Transformers that will open up and take guests during the time that Spiderman closes down to be rethemed to something else….if you look, you will find that the plot of land currently getting the demolition treatment is almost the exact size and shape of the Hollywood version of Transformers. Rumor #2 states that Universal is fast tracking a Universal Monster’s walkthrough attraction, but with the lack of popularity of the Hollywood version, this seems like a ridiculous idea. Rumors #3 and #4 have to do with resurrecting King Kong and Jaws. Rumor #5 has to do with the Hobbit/Lord of the Rings that have a new movie coming out this holiday season with another to follow in a year. I am not one to really put any stock into such rumors. I am pretty certain that what they are doing is a split duty facility where on one half of the area they have a place where they can chain guests up to some stocks and throw tomatoes at them for wearing Disney paraphernalia to a Universal park, and the other half will be a robotic arm attraction themed around Breakin’ 2: The Electric Boogaloo with plans to do a seasonal overlay of Ishtar. What? You doubt me? You make it sound like Universal didn’t open up an attraction based on the worst movie flop ever: Water World. Whatever they are building, Universal wants it open, like, yesterday.
Universal Studios Orlando – The Quest to Spend the Potter Gold (Part 2) – We do have some plans that have come to the surface recently that show some construction plans for Islands of Adventure for their side of the Hogwarts Express. According to the picture below, the terminal will be nestled instead the two Dragons on top of what is right now a pond.
Magic Kingdom – Dueling Dumbos is now open. Unlike Universal, they will run both sides at the same time.
Six Flags Discovery Kingdom – Please watch the video below, it shows how far Six Flags standards have dropped in recent years. I mean, who in the world thought it was a good idea to play a Mr. Mister song at a theme park?? Was Lady Gaga and Justin Beiber’s music too expensive to play? @#$%@@, you would be better off having some idiot with a microphone and a kazoo making up #$%^@@# songs instead of that piece of crap song. Amusement parks are supposed to be exciting places, full of energy and excitement…..but when I hear Broken Wings by Mr. Mister, the only thing I want to do is ((GRAPHIC CONTENT…..REMOVED BY WEBMASTER)) until it all drains away. It makes an Electric Boogaloo ride sound like a good idea. Oh, and Superman is testing….save yourself and hit mute as soon as the video starts…..and yes, I have a sister, so I know who Mr. Mister is……
Conneaut Lake Park – Apparently the park has a local arsonist who is trying to lodge a complaint about the makeup of the ride offerings. In the last three weeks, there have been four fires started very close to the park. I am not saying that this type of behavior is ok, but if they are also playing Mr. Mister, it is at least somewhat understandable…
Six Flags Fiesta Texas – The Rattler is currently circling the rumor mill in regards to a much needed upgrade. It stinks, though, the latest rumor is only that it is going to be retracked instead of the Iron Horse treatment. If that is the case, then I won’t make a special trip, if I go to Texas at all, it will be to visit the roller coaster with the Iron Horse treatment.
Six Flags Magic Mountain – In a certain case of my stuff is bigger than your stuff, Magic Mountain appears to be quickly closing in on the day that Lex Luthor: Drop of Doom is going to be opened. From the way it sounds, the ride should open on June 30th. While this is going to be the tallest drop tower in the world, I think personally it was just an excuse to shut down Superman for an extended period of time. The video below shows the ride testing. As tall as this thing is, I am sure I will run out of profanity words well before the time I get to the bottom and will be forced to make up new profanity words.
Disney’s Hollywood Studio - There are rumors starting to float that say that the Imagineeers are going to start spending time in the most neglected park that they own now…..which is a tossup between Animal Kingdom and Hollywood Studios. With Avatar already slated for Animal Kingdom, the likely next major upgrade has a strong likelihood of going into the Studios. The rumor mill is grinding away as fast as it will go right now with wild concept after wild concept……although if the bean counters have any say in the matter, we may be looking at a Cars takeover of the Movie Lot Tour and Lights, Motor, Action…..becoming Radiator Springs #2.
Holiday World – In my update two weeks ago, I actually mentioned in this article that the Holiday World folks should get out of the deal for Kentucky Kingdom…..and wouldn’t you know it, they actually did it. So today we are going to try again……. Holiday World needs a new land themed to National Hostess Appreciation Day with a Twinkie the Kid 300ft tall steel B&M roller coaster, Cup Cake teacups, a Suzi-Q log ride, and Cherry Pie bumper cars that squirt filling when you get hit. You know I give good advice……trust me on this one……
Cedar Point – This week, the Midway Carousel turned 100 and was subsequently put out of its misery, taken apart, and sold on Ebay.
Camden Park – Wal*Mart is NOT buying Camden Park to dismantle it and build a new discount store in its place. I have no idea where crazy rumors like these start. Although if they want to do that to Elitches, you have my full support.
Hong Kong Disneyland – The Imagineers are putting the final touches on Grizzly Gulch, set to open on July 14th. They are currently looking for actual free roaming wild bears to populate this land. Apparently Yogi wasn’t even given an audition.
&^%^&$%, gotta go……..getting evacuated……..
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Create My Caption - In the discussion thread below, post your best caption(s) for the following picture lovingly borrowed from “F*** Yeah Face Characters”.
If you know of anything I missed…..first rides, interesting trips, tax free income, or fresh smelling rumors, please post below and let us know.
Caption: "Kýrie, eléison, down the road that I must travel, Kýrie, eléison, through the darkness of the ni-ii-ight!"
I'll take 80's pop over Gaga and Bieber garbage anyday, although Broken Wings is not the greatest choice for background music to a Superman coaster.
As for the Rattler, I rode it years ago in all of it's original violent glory. Then they neutered it and it lost its bite. I would much rather see it back to it's original design with an iron horse treatment than for it to be resigned to mediocrity with another reprofile. Hopefully Fiesta Texas spends the money to make it happen.
Walt Disney World
Tokyo Disney Resort