The reviews are in! It seems "The Cat in the Hat" needs to be covered in kitty litter. Big surprise, huh? And we're not talking mostly middle-of-the-road pans, like Roger Ebert's. Most seem to be in the one-star range. Entertainment Weekly gave it a D!
What went wrong? Besides being produced by Brian Grazer, who also produced that other Dr. Seuss monstrosity, of course. The look of the film is being universally praised, which didn't happen for "The Grinch," but that's about it. Mike Myers is getting a lot of blame for doing little more than taking the Genie from "Aladdin" and giving it the voice of his SNL character Linda Richman. But the Bee critic (there had to be a reason I put that in there!) probably put it best when he said, "Perhaps the 1957 book is so beloved that no movie version could hope to match our nostalgia for it." Word!
In fact, some of the reviews are far funnier than the movie seems to be. The Times gets in several good ones like: "I am tempted to say that this Cat should be tied up in a sack and drowned, but I wouldn't want to condone cruelty to animals, even metaphorically. Cruelty to classic works of children's literature is bad enough." And: "'It is fun to have fun,' the Cat famously warned, 'but you have to know how.' This movie, which opens today nationwide, is a remarkably thorough demonstration of how not to." Hee!
[And check out my friend Manohla Dargis' review in the L.A. Times: "Oh why, oh why did they make it like that? Oh why did they ruin 'The Cat in the Hat'?" -- Robert]
One good thing - which surely doesn't include the rumor of a sequel ALREADY in the works - is that Grazer will probably be unable to get his grubby little hands onto another Dr Seuss book. Mr Geisel has probably four classics in his canon, and the two remaining ones seem unfilmable. Can anyone imagine an idea that could make "Green Eggs and Ham" work for 90 minutes? "The Lorax" could probably be stretched out, but I think even Audrey Geisel, Dr Seuss's widow, understands that that book was her husband's favorite and wouldn't hand that over to that Seuss-killer Grazer. Let's hope!
STILL SUCKING
Orlando Sentinel - Nov 20
Disney's quarterly earnings are up a bit, but the biggest percentage of its business, the theme parks, are still hurting. In fact, even after all the cost-cutting, the parks are down from the same period last year. Great! What's going to get cut now?
AN ODE TO AN ONION
Jim Hill Media - Nov 21
JHM has an article about the plays Disney hopes will make it onto Broadway... something we brought you MONTHS ago! Ignoring the mention of "Hoopz," a musical about the Harlem Globetrotters, which always cracks me up with its stupidity, you will come upon some new projects. Projects being spearheaded by none other than Jeffrey Katzenberg! The article calls Katzenberg "reactionary," claiming the former Eisner thorn only does whatever Disney does. Yeah, right. Disney couldn't get Aardman. Katzenberg did. Disney got the "Shrek" producers AFTER DreamWorks did. And don't even get me started on how "reactionary" Disney/MGM or Animal Kingdom were!
Anyhow, DreamWorks isn't necessarily getting into theatre because of Disney. After all, how many movies have turned into musicals lately? "The Producers." "Hairspray." "Saturday Night Fever." "The Full Monty." "Thoroughly Modern Millie." I can't even think of a musical that HASN'T been based on something else hitting the Great White Way recently.
So what is Jeffrey trying to stage? "Catch Me if You Can" with songs by the beyond-excellent Marc Shaiman (of the aforementioned "Hairspray" and "South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut"). Could be fun. The other play is "Shrek." Sounds scary, but Sam Mendes, the genius behind current runs of "Cabaret" and "Gypsy" as well as the Oscar-winning "American Beauty," is set to direct. The article claims this is the stupidest idea ever, but please scroll up and reread what "Hoopz" is about. Though anyone who pays any attention to Broadway shouldn't judge a book before it has a cover. Who would have thought Bernadette Peters would be such a good Mama Rose? Who would have thought a Mel Brooks movie would sell? Who would have thought a plotless play filled with ABBA songs would do so well? If Mendes brought SpongeBob SquarePants to Broadway, I know I'd check it out.
Good point, Robert O! Regardless how "Haunted Mansion" does, Disney is just headed back down to the sewer for the first half of 2004. Except for Spring Break, attendance is always down at the parks. ABC is still having problems, and things promise to get worse for one of their cash cows, "The Bachelor." There will be little money for Disney from "The Incredibles." "The Alamo," one of their few big movies next year, looks like it will suck. I think Disney realizes all this too, and next year could be interesting.
Oh! The thing that probably bugs me the most about a Shrek musical is the fact that the soundtrack from the movie is EXCELLENT! I can't imagine Shrek without "My Beloved Monster" from the eels. Or "Hallelujah" from Rufus Wainwright. Plus, I think "It Is You (I Have Loved)" is one of the sweetest songs ever, and I usually hate sweet songs (as you will see after a few more sentences).
And don't remind me of PotUSA, Ben! I was so mad when they broke up!
&%#@ you, Kitty,
You're going to spend the night...
&%#@ you, Kitty,
You're going to spend the night...
&%#@ you, Kitty,
You're going to spend the night
OUTSIDE!
Brings it all right back. Virtually no-one else has heard of them over here, though. At least, not any more.
Hey! Maybe they should screw Aerosmith and build "Rock'n'Roller Coaster Starring tPotUSA"! Riding that thing to the sound of Kick Out The Jams would be a million times better.
By the way, Mike Myers' version of the Cat reminded me a lot of that of the cowardly lion in The Wizard of Oz.
If word of mouth is as bad as I've heard anecdotally, expect "Cat" to rival "Matrix Revolutions"' almost historic 65 percent drop-off. By contrast, "Elf," the family holiday film that's enjoyed good reviews and word of mouth, dropped off a mere 12 percent after its opening weekend. An average film drops between 25 and 40 percent.
I watched it Friday night. It's bloody awful, and I'm going to spoil the best (and, sadly, worst) gag in the whole flick right here (so if you actually want to see it, stop reading. Really, now - don't say I didn't warn you).
After the boy opens the crate that teleports things from "our" dimension to the dimension the Cat in the Hat is from, the entire house is distorted into some obscene Escher painting. They have to get back to the box to lock it, or else bad things will happen (and when the hell did this stuff happen in the book? Did I skip a page?).
To get to the crate, they have to go on basically a flume ride. Lacking a vehicle, they step onto the sleeping body of the babysitter, Mrs. Kwan. As they ride her down the flume, Conrad exclaims "This is just like a ride!" at which point the action slows, the Cat faces the audience and says (holding up brochures) "Just like the rides at Universal Studios!"
What makes this kinda interesting (and relevant) is the fact that I could make out The Mummy on the brochure.
There. Now you don't have to see it (okay, I did laugh when, a minute later, The Cat is looking at his ride photo, in a booklet marked "I SURVIVED THE KWAN!"
Folks, there ain't enough alcohol in the world to make this movie "fun." Trust me, we tried.
I agree with Steve. Thanksgiving will keep it from dropping off too much. And I can't see "Haunted Mansion" being too much of a draw. It should have a nice opening weekend, but I think parents of little kids won't be taking them to a movie with ghosts and dead people. Plus, remember crap like the Power Rangers? No parent I know wanted to see that crap, yet they still lined up to do so. Though, "Brother Bear" might benefit a tad if the nastiness portions of "Cat" become common knowledge. I doubt it will really matter, since Americans like to take their kids to stuff like "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" after all.
