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Theme Park Insider's 2011 Year In Review - February

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Published: December 27, 2011 at 6:27 PM
Note: The editor of these articles has insisted that I make the soon to be obvious point that while there may be some real news in here, the key to these articles is a sense of humor. While your own recollection of these stories may be a little different than what is presented below, your recollection is quite possibly closer to truth. While it was requested that I keep to the facts, I realized quite quickly in this process that 1) Facts are negotiable (just ask my wife) and 2) I am hung over….

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February, the month of long-dead presidents' birthdays. The month of the long, slow letdown after you have already played with and broken all of your Christmas presents. Yes, we get the Super Bowl commercials, but we still have to deal with the crappy weather outside. The good news is that this is a very short month. As the hangover month, there is surprisingly little to talk about… definitely a work-in-progress kind of month.

The captain has turned on the no-vomiting sign. Please return your tray table to the upright and locked position. Keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times. And try to stay awake while the flight attendants show you how to work a seatbelt.

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Theme Park Insider's Year In Review - February

Busch Gardens Tampa – Cheetah Hunt, the unfortunately named ride where you are on a simulated run to kill vicious rouge cheetahs that have been attacking and dismembering baby otters, is nearing completion. The late this month the roller coaster trains arrived and work was started on the system to quickly reload the ammunition on the coaster cars while guests are boarding the trains. Busch Gardens has also put an order in to the rest of the zoos in the country to have the up production of cheetahs just in case some of the riders get off a couple of lucky shots. The Cheetah Meat and Pelt Company is also finishing up construction nearby, so those of you with bleeding hearts can be assured that the carcasses will not go to waste.

Islands of Adventure – After nearly having a support rust away and fall off the Hulk ride, Universal decided to paint the support into place. After seeing that the one support was sticking out with the new paint job, they grudgingly decided to paint the rest of the ride as well. After that, the workers at Universal went back to fawning over how cool Harry Potter Land is.

SeaWorld – The theme park chain decided to let trainers back into the water with the killer whales in new meat suits designed by Lady Gaga. Much like the way farmers use coyote and wolf urine to keep rabbits out of their crops, the new meat suits will be made to taste like something that the killer whales will not attack. There are currently several versions being tested, environmentalist flavor, politician flavor, lawyer flavor, and lunchlady flavor. As a distraction while testing continues, SeaWorld announced a new ride for their San Diego park designed to dive bomb and terrorize all of their other animals, called Manta. Knowing how slow SeaWorld is with their construction, this will probably be ready to go by 2034.

Disney – After a notorious run in with the Jonas Brothers, Mickey Mouse is only meeting with people who have an appointment. Get your Fastpasses early for this, the Mouse has a really short fuse.

Universal Singapore – After learning about the joys of Gorilla Tape, Universal Singapore was finally able to repair and reopen their Battlestar Galactica dueling coasters. It would have been better if Vekoma had designed a coaster that wasn’t so rough, but, you know, sometimes the lowest bidder is the lowest quality.

Orlando – The rail line that has been in the planning stages for nearly 30 years now that would connect all of the parks with the airport, was officially rejected by the governor of Florida. Looks like they need to go back to the planning stages and spend a couple tens of millions of dollars coming up with a better plan.

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So there you have it: February. If you don’t remember the month like I do, please set a monkey-boy straight in the discussion below.

All monkey pictures have been lovingly borrowed from the amazing artist Frank Cho and his long deceased comic strip Liberty Meadows. No monkeys were harmed during the production of this article, but monkey boy did get a nasty paper cut while doing his research….

Readers' Opinions

From 108.198.188.63 on December 27, 2011 at 11:00 PM
i laughed so many times. props. you are going to do 12 of these!?!?! (that's stamina/ how much are they paying you?) anyway, this is good writing man. you should get a book out.
From Jeff Elliott on December 28, 2011 at 7:32 AM
Not only is the plan to do 12 of these. The plan is to do 12 of these in 6 days while also preping for the Tourney of Champs, and working a full time job, and attempting to paint a baby room....if you want something done, find someone busy......
From Anon Mouse on December 28, 2011 at 11:30 AM
That's 12 posts that I plan on not reading. Not my cup of tea. April is coming up. It had better be good and much better than Jan thru March.
From Jack Curley on December 28, 2011 at 12:15 PM
Wow, that comment was uncalled for. Whatever happened to "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all"?

Oh, that's right. The internet happened.

From Mike Gallagher on December 28, 2011 at 1:41 PM
To paraphrase Mr. Mouse above: "I'm not planning on reading anymore, but April better be good." Hmmm. Sounds like someone's planning on reading anyway....
From Robert Niles on December 28, 2011 at 6:01 PM
Best description of Internet trolling I've heard? "Recreational indignation." I love that phrase.
From Anon Mouse on December 28, 2011 at 6:45 PM
To all: I didn't criticize them except to say I'm ignoring them. If you didn't realize, April has April 1st as April Fools Day, which is the tone of all these 12 posts. So I was in keeping with the spirit of the posts. April had better be the best one or its a letdown. To not understand what I'm saying is another form of trolling. And the posts themselves are not as funny as you claim, but I won't say more since it is unnecessary. I read January to some extent then stopped. I skimmed February and only gotten to the bottom to post a comment on the 12 wasted posts (could have just posted one year in review post).
From Tim Hillman on December 29, 2011 at 4:22 AM
I'm totally confused now.
From Jack Curley on December 29, 2011 at 9:23 AM
You know what I do when I don't want to read something?

I don't read it.

I don't click on it, and then comment that I don't want to read it, I just don't read it.

The best way to voice your opinion of something online that you don't like is to NOT CLICK ON IT. The people in charge will see that it has less pageviews, and perhaps alter their strategy.

But you clicked on this one at least twice, making it twice as likely that features like this continue. On behalf of all of us who enjoy reading Mr. Elliott's posts, I thank you.

From Stephanie Blackwell on December 31, 2011 at 2:21 PM
WHATEVER Anon Mouse! I guess that's why you want to be anonymous. I know whose comments I'll be skipping over in the future. :P

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