Show up late in the morning
You're on vacation - of course you're going to sleep in! There's no need to get up early to visit a theme park. When the park opens, there are no lines, so how can you tell which rides are worth doing?
Wait to buy your tickets at the gate
Doing advance research online is confusing. It's for insecure people who don't make their best decisions under cold, hard pressure. That's not you. You live for the brash, last-minute decision. So queue up, ignore the signs and wait to decide on your tickets until you get to the window.
Eat lunch at noon
Sure, you've only been in the park for maybe an hour at this point, but who's going to tell you to deviate from your schedule? No one! It's noon, which is lunch time, so you're going to eat. No matter how long it takes.
Go on the rides with the longest lines, since they must be the best
You're the most special person in the world, of course, but you're smart enough to know that you can learn a few things from watching the crowd. See where they go, and follow them. That's how you'll find the best rides in the park.
Try to sneak your kids on rides they're too short for
You paid good money for those discounted kids' admission to the park, so they're entitled to go on every last ride in the place. Rules are for other people. Tell you kids to stand on their tippie-toes when the park employee measures them. That always works. And if it doesn't...
Complain, early and often
Every smart consumer knows that complaining, as loudly and with as much anger as possible, is how you get the best service. Demand to see a manager. Threaten to have everyone fired. Even better, threaten to write a negative review online. Now that's something that really motivate service workers to shape up and start doing their best!
Take extra time to take pictures of your whole family when you're getting on a ride
This is a special day, and you'll want to remember it forever. So be sure to take the time you need to get that special picture of everyone cramming onto every single ride vehicle all day long. It's the park's job to make sure you're having a good time, so they'll be happy to stop the ride for you, holding the line and keeping other riders from exiting while you compose that perfect shot.
Remember that if you're not waiting in line or riding, you're wasting your money
Rides are the only reason to visit a theme park, so if you're not on a ride or waiting for one, you're wasting your time and money. Taking a break in lush garden, dining in a charming, themed restaurant or resting on a park bench near the lake are time-wasters for suckers.
Yell at your kids
They're too young to know what's good for 'em, so if they start slacking, moaning or, heaven forbid, crying, let loose with your best drill sergeant impression and scream at them until they fall in line and obey you.
Buy lots of souvenirs and carry them around with you all day
You want people to know that you've got the money to afford this vacation. (Or, at least, you did at the beginning of the day.) So carry around your bags and bags of souvenirs like the badges of honor that they are. Who cares how much it slows you down or tires the kids? Think of this as weight training! It's like gym class. Again, free package storage or delivery services are for wimps. Not smart folks like you.
So there you go, 10 tips designed to ensure that you get the theme park vacation you deserve. Now, please feel free to forward this list to all the people you really hate. ;^)
For more fun stories from theme park insiders, including this one, download a copy of "Stories from a Theme Park Insider."
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Can I add: Expect the Impossible - this is your vacation, you paid good money for it, and obviously theme parks control the weather. If you scream at an employee long enough they will surely make it stop T-Storming or let you ride the metal roller coaster to the highest point in the park anyway. ;)
Give cuts to your friends and have them return the favor. After all going for food, bathroom and drinks should give you an automatic exemption to waiting at the end of the line.
Talk on your cell phone, the entire time you are in line. When you have nobody to call, check your Facebook and email every 2 minutes.
Get a stroller (even if you don't have kids). Use it as a battering ram to gey you through crowds and to haul all the crap you were convinced you needed to bring into the park.
Smoke. Everyone love getting our second hand smoke stink on their clothes and in their lungs. When anyone complains get angry and complain how your rights have been violated.
Get the bigest hat available in the park and wear it on every attraction and especially the shows. Be sure to sit near the front.
And never, ever make reservations at park restaurants, especially on peak attendance days. You should be able to eat where you want, when you want. Yes, the lines to get in without reservations may be long, but if you glare at the staff long enough and ask "How much longer will I have to wait?" every 2 minutes, they will almost certainly realize how important you are and seat you right away.
If you're under 12 and overweight, be sure to wear skin-tight crop tops and booty shorts. Ensure the latter is covered in glitter and labelled with conceited and seemingly ironic titles, e.g., "Princess", "Juicy", and "Sexy". Bonus points if Goofy gets exceedingly acquainted with you in that photo-op.
Come Unequipped
Don't bring a backpack or equivalent. They're heavy and unfashionable. Buy your water, lunch, dinner, snacks, sunscreen, pictures, hats, raincoats, and other necessities/amenities at the park. The price is right, plus the foodstuffs pack all the nutritional value you need to tackle a 14-hour aerobic exercise. If it rains, you'll have an excuse to buy one of those cool ponchos the parks sell. Then you can take your newest purchase on the water rides to avoid getting wet. It just makes sense.
People are Patient - Take Your Time
Wait until you're at the front of a 20-minute line to decide what to buy. That's what the cashier is there for - advice. Sure, there are 10 oversized menus scattered about the line, but that's just to whet your appetite. Sure, they only sell two entrées - a burger with or without cheese - but you need a second opinion! Sure, your family members have always asked for cheese on their burgers every time you've barbecued for the past 15 years, but maybe they've incurred lactose-intolerance in the last few minutes. You forgot about drinks... Judging by the plethora of Coke advertisements plastered on the walls, tables, chairs, windows, doors, employees' clothes, floor, ceiling, bathroom stalls, urinal walls, food containers, and Coke dispensers, they might sell Coke.
Oh! You've reached the front of the line! A friendly cashier is here to help! Feel free to ask obnoxious questions - that's what the cashier earning minimum wage is there for. Don't mind the 100 people standing behind you. It's July - they've been waiting in hot lines all day. They're accustomed to it now.
"How small is a small?"
"How big is a big?"
"Do you serve Coke or Pepsi?"
Don't bother getting out your wallet beforehand. You work better under pressure. Oops! You don't have cash. They probably take Amex. Nope? Well, surely they take traveller's checks. Nope? That's okay - your wife will be back from the washroom any minute now with cash. Lightheartedly apologize to the people behind you. "These idiots don't take Amex or traveller's checks!"
Remember, You're Right
You paid for a vacation to Disney World, not the Sahara. You know you aren't in Disney - Disney doesn't have safaris, dinosaurs, the Himalayas, or jungle treks. Yet when you ask that employee where Disney is, they lie and tell you, "You're in Disney, goofy!"
This can't be Disney. No castle. No Mickey. No princesses. No churros. No, that employee is having a laugh at your expense.
And where's that Rock and Roll Roller Coaster? That was the best ride here last time you came. Your son is convinced it's in a different park. What, like Universal Studios? The park that makes you pay for Fastpass? You'll never go there again. Disney makes way better rides. Plus, Universal Studios is for teens. There's nothing to do for families or kids. That awful Beetlejuice show. That Jaws ride that made Jenny cry. They're an unwholesome Hollywood cesspit. Where's that Rock and Roll Roller Coaster? Aerosmith - now that's wholesome American rock! "Dude Looks Like a Lady!"
Ha! You love Mrs. Doubtfire! Great Disney entertainment.
Whoa! Did that teenager just swear! You KNEW you weren't in Disney! You'd never hear that kind of language in Disney.
Vegas called. They're offering a blank check for a 50 week enagagement with Jerry Seinfeld as your warm-up act.
That was too (bleeping) funny...
Another thing to make sure to do - stop in the middle of the walk way. There are definitately not several hundred people behind you
It's Cynical Week on Theme Park Insider. Maybe we should have an alternative news feed for when we're feeling sardonic. We could call it the Loller Coaster, or the Roller Roaster.
If I withhold the truth may I go straight to hell, where I will eat naught but burning hot coal and drink naught but burning hot cola...
Some of our experiences are the ones that just happened.
*Starts printing flyers*
In order to make sure your trek to the next event and the ensuing conversations are not wasted and need to be repeated. Make sure you and your family members walk arm in arm or just 5 wide regardless of the width of the walkway or amount of people, especially around parade routes. Feel free to use as many arm gyrations as possible and whomever has the bags HAS to be on the incoming traffic side. If there is a stroller involved let the child push it themselves or better yet a slighter older sibling so you won't miss a second of your dream vacation. Don't forget the back of the stroller is the perfect place to hang bags, remember to pack rolling items on top.
Feel free to shove your kids to the curb 2 minutes before parades and then play the "I am just trying to get to my kids" routine. Much like not having reservations at restaurants, getting to the parade route early is overrated. As an alternatvie if you are 6'4 having kids on your shoulders in the front row will encourages many around you to communicate with you. Even more so if the kid is cranky and needs his mom to hand him some water....and candy...and his stuffed animal....no not that one...the wand...no the one that lights up...yeah the parade is coming...2 seconds later..can we go now.
Ladies we guys are lost without your bottomless bag and sense of organization. When approaching security do NOT under any circumstances have the zippers, snaps, ties or clips undone for ANY of the 30 camera cases, lunch bags, purseS(!) and other containers contained therein, then make a big deal about how inconvenient this is.
Enter through the clearly marked exit, nevermind those folks commong through the gate towards you surely these things will go both ways and since you are special....
Similar to the food decisions mentioned earlier, get in line to purchase tickets then when arriving at the teller, have a loud conversation and if possible involving cell phones about which ticket plan/combo to get.
Speaking of which, bring walkie talkie cell phones so you can comment before, during and after each ride to those at the exit hundreds of milliseconds away from your location and make sure the volume is very loud since those around you will be inconsiderate to your communication needs. Make sure the beep of the calls is as annoying as possible. Also when inside of buildings (MUMMY!!!, Poseiden et al) talking louder could actually make the signal stronger so do so with gusto, especially when communicating stomach ailments to other memebers of the group.
Here are some fun games to play with your family while you wait in line to enter the park. When you get to the ticket entrance scanner:
Make sure your kids pick any finger they want to scan the first time the tickets are used and do not watch. Why ruin the suprise, imagine all the attention your kids will get hopping from park to park as the attendants all but fingerprint their entire hand on the scanner.
Thereafter hand out the thumb scanned-tickets to different family members have a camera ready to capture the magic. (I did this once..no camera..yes I am somewhat of a micromanager but I apologised loudly)
Those 3D glasses that you can put back in the convenient bins just outside the theatre..... Keep them! Then head straight back to guest services to complain they dont have the required UV levels in them and are not enhancing your visit to the park in any way - everything still looks the same out here to you!
(I feel like the grinch typing that!...or could it be how to make me have a horrible visit??) :-)
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